The Only Blog Without A Song Name

Well, I can't remember much of what's happened since I last blogged...but, here's what I can:
Pretty much, I had one of the worst days of my entire like (in all honesty) on Tuesday.
I'm not going to go into more detailthan that, really...but, it was a painful day, let it be said...and one that is still upsetting me.
I...want to cry, for some reason, even though things turned out as i wanted them to, but I can't. I don't know what makes me want to cry...but, I'll be honest and say I feel very alone right now.
And, he's not around to talk to even if I could manage to say what's worrying me. I feel so bad for making things harder for him...but I'm seflish like that.
I really need a hug, actually...:( or to talk to them for a little while.
This is so ridiculous...but it hurt so much at the time...that it didn't feel real, and although that has been resolved it feels like he's avoiding me, almost...D: and I miss him.
As if you could think that this that was what I'd be okay with.
I'm selfish and I hate to be, but I am.
and I can't even be mad at you for any of it.
Even if it hurts, I really can't find a way to be...
In fact I want to apologise to you, how derranged is that? It's so stupid, but I do...and I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that I've made things worse for you, and that I've fucked everything up. And for making you worry about things. I didn't mean to, and still don't.

I'm so confused right now, but, hatever happens, I stick by what I said...and what I've thought. I can't be mad at you, I don' want you out of my life and it's so painful...because I don't understand why.

" I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. " - '10 Things I hate About You'

New Divide

Ah, well, as I promised Fia an update last night. It was quite scary actually, I said I would just before she asked me...like I'd read her mind. Sometimes, I do scary things like that :P and read people's minds haha. That would be so awesome! I wish I could read minds.
I've been listening to Rise Against's album, which I bought for Jonathan but burned to the computer first, and it's totally awesome!
I love the song 'Injection' such a good song!
Anyways, what did I do today?
I had a free period in the morning, so Sophie, Louise and I bussed to Costa. Sophie and I had Hot chocolates with whipped cream, and Louise had tea. :) It was nice, but we were almost late back.
Then I had maths, which was okay, Ivan gave me Pocky, which Natalie had given him, so that was awesome.
I have to admit that I feel sorry for ivan because he knew I was still upset from last night and just spent all lesson in silence looking like I was going to start crying...
Arg, I feel ill...will finish this later.

I Gotta Feeling

Right...so...after seeing James and Jon once I got home...hmm.
On Sunday the 6th I met up with Fia :D
I gave her her GDL autograph and then we got Shake Away, which was yummy.
Then we went and sat down by the side of the river and listened to my ipod, Labyrinth soundtrack and watched the wave and a balloon floating down it. We then decided that a giant starfish lives in the thames (after discussing sea-creature horror films) and that they have rubber duck minons, the balloon belongs to them and they fell in love with a tree...who, was a tree and didn't love them back...being a tree and all.
Then we realised we were sitting on tar, oily stuff which we had thought wasn't sticky but was...and I have black lines on the backs on the knees on my skinnies. Haha.

Anyway, we hung out for ages and I subjected Fia to my music taste for a while...she doesn't like BoysLikeGirls...shame :( or BassHunter... etc lol.
I also saw Sammii and Dizzy in Kingston, who walled down to me from a floor above in the bentall centre and I couldn't work out where it was coming from...so much so that I had begun wondering if it was God suddenly showing himself...with a girl's voice...:/
Anyway, then Sammii told me that she's dating my friend David Pike, which is awesome, 'cause David's rather awesome and has an awesome coat haha.
I also saw Georgia and Tom and i didn't really expect her to have a chat with me as she was with her boyfriend but she stopped me and started chatting ( personally, i think it was just because she wanted to tell me she'd been scouted for a dance group in America while on holiday during the summer). But, anyway, it was nice to see her.
Saw some other people too, but can't remember who exactly.

Then on Tuesday 8th Jonathan and I went to visit Catherine (and Alison as she was there too.)
Also for human petting zoo for Jonathan to meet my friends. He met Leila, Carys and Ivan. He told Leila what a Rainbow party was...which is not what I wanted her to know and seems to like her...as he complimented her on my note while I was away...shame he never compliments me so quickly...and even then it's rarely :(
But, anyway, he also said he thought I should be Orange (Rainbow party colour) for no apparent reason...and then when I asked 'even if it wasn't you?' he said 'No, I don't really get jealous.' Which, actually really worried me...to be honest. Because, one, he can't think much of me if he thinks I'd do that, or just doesn't find me attractive so would rather I was off with someone else. Added to that, if he was condoning that, wtf does he think is okay for him?
So, I can't even ask him because bringing it up would be hard for me...and I don't want to hear that what I just expressed above is true :'( but it's worrying me.

Um...yeah, then that night he went away to kent for three days, and I then went away for the weekend, so only got back on Monday morning.
My mum was at work and I couldn't get hold of her so I ended up at the malden centre...and Jon turned out to be working, which...I didn't really realise :( apprently he noticed me, but, I also left before he got off work...
He thought I might have come to see him, which I hadn't...but, to be honest, I'd be interested to know if he'd even have wanted me to come and see him.
Anyway, then the next day I asked him to meet up, 'cause I wanted to see him, I guess. And it happened to be raining a lot so he told me to come over to his.
I look kind of drowned when i got there, tbh, and ended up being made to wearhis fleece 'cause i was shivering. I got to watch Interview With The Vampire, which was quite good, but not that great. I prefer the book as of the moment.
I subtly asked my mum if I'd be allowed to watch IWTV some time and she said no because I'd find it scary...well, now i just won't tell her I've seen it, but I didn't find it scary, really. Little sad though, I almost cried. Which is something when in front of people, because I can usually stop myself.
Anyway, he made me go home wearing his jumper lol.

Um...so, it's Thursday and I saw him for a little while today, he met me outside school and we walked into kingston, but he was meeting his sisters, so, he went off and I was meeting my mum. Though, I don't think he told his sisters he'd seen me because we saw the three of them and they looked surprised to see me, and he gave me a look I can't quite define...half like 'help me' and...I dunno...I don't know if he was pleased to see me or not to be honest :(
Anyway, I shall see him tomorrow and apparently have to address the one thing that's been on my mind for ages...but how I bring it up, I don't know...*sigh*
I really hope he never reads my blog.

You're All I Need

Since my last update, well, a lot has happened, I suppose.
Had the heroes marathon, which was really good...I had fun. I've decided that, yes, I am addicted to cuddles. >< And, that...the most terrifying thing in the world is sleeping in Imogen's room...with the scary, loud, ticking clock...the echoes...
Eep. I was so scared, all on my own. But, like I would tell him that...ever.
Hope he doesn't ever read that. I also hope he didn't get bored of me in the two days we spent together.

Anyway, then I had results day on the 27th. I don't want to think about it...
But I got my subjects and dropped off the Assassin's Creed walkthrough books for Jonathan.
Um...then I went away for six days. I did very little. I played FFXII mostly.

I'm still low on muse for fanfiction too.

Um...then i came home, and on Wednesday I saw James and Jonathan in Kingston. Not reandomly, we arranged to meet up before James left for univeristy( which happened to be today, btw). Um, yes, I enjoyed myself...Jonathan bought me a book (yay *worship*) and we went round Kingston for a few hours. I accidentally went home with his hoodie and he with my DVDs (yay for hoodies) and we met up on friday to get each back.
That was my first day of sixth form too. So, it was bit weird. But, OMG I want to steal his hoodie...>< haha. He actually asked me if i did what bella does in twilight and slept with his hoodie, which was...weird...I guess. Because, I left it on top of my bag in the hallway once I got home. But, everyone said I should have...but, I personally...find that a little creepy...I guess? Anyway, I always worry he'll think i'm clingy...and in my opinion that is clingy...plus, why sleep with someone's jumper? I don't understand...:/

Anyway, we went to the park and just hung out...I really enjoyed myself that day actually...
I don't know what it is, but, he changes quite easily to me...
Sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed away and he doesn't want me there, and other times he really does seem to enjoy my company. I get so confused *sigh*
Oh well. Either way, I always enjoy his company...
Anyway, I'm off to Wales now, so I'll fill in the rest when i get back on Monday.

Postcards, Postcards, Postcards.

Ah, well, it's been ages since I updated my blog. I just couldn't get around to it before.
I can't remember everything that's ahppened recently but, I went away to tenby last month for a week, which was nice. I did lots of surfing and made a new friend called Sian.
Well, anyway, since then, I've been back and forth between Wales and England quite a lot.
I've been able to meet up with Jack, which is very nice, as sometimes we can go up to six months without seeing each other.

I went to the Gareth David - Lloyd signing in Cardiff with Jack on the 18th of August, which was fun, but, mad and Jack is totally in love with GDL. Which is cute and slightly creepy at times.
But, nevertheless, lovely friend that I am (hah) I got autogrpahs for Fia, Alison and Carys. Anna is miffed with me because I forgot her, but I bought her an un-personalised signed copy (which costed a lot) so she better be pleased come Christmas!

Um...I've been up to London with my mum a few times, whihc has been really nice. I went to Forbidden Planet for the first time, it's actualyl so awesome there! There are so many comics downstairs, I feel like I want to just buy the entire shop! I got Furuba 23, because I just needed to know what happened at the end, then borrowed 22 from Anna. yesterday I sat down and read them, after re-reading 21. I cried so much. Seriously, I'm such a cry-baby. It was so...lovely, really. I know that sounds awfully silly of me, but, the idea of sucha thing happening is beyond my faith in humans. It's too beautiful and perfect, which is why it's so sad. It hurts knowing that, it's unlikely that things like that will ever happen.

I didn't like the very end though, showing Kyo and Tohru as old people...it...ruined it for me. Because, then i started thinking about all of them dying, and how I didn't want to know the end end of their story...just to know that it would be okay. I like Akito, Akito is awesome. Even if she was a total bitch for 20/ 23 volumes.

Anyway, as I was away I sent postcards to quite a few of my friends, and lovely that they are (well, three of them are) i got postcards back when they went away :D
One from Anna in Newcastle, one from James in Edinburough, and one from Alison and Catherine in the Norfolk Broads. James has beautiful handwriting...it's scarily pretty haha.
And, Anna addressed hers to 'Frankie Da Philmeister',which made me headdesk.

Over the holidays i've readthe entire Night Watch trilogy, which was excellent, and I'm planning to read the follow up soon. I finished City of Glass, the last Last Mortal Instruments book, which was lovely. Why do they always end with a happily-ever-after? I mean, I'm not complaining (much) but, whyalways end a story with a perfect relationship, true love and all? It's so...unlikely! And, it annoys me, because...the whole thing is, you *want* it to be the type o thing that happens...but, that's not the way life is.
I also read Fragile Eternity, the third Wicked Lovely book, which was interesting but not as good as the previous two. There was too much stuff like New Moon! But, Seth is awesome...and so is Niall and Keenan (even if he is a total bastard).

Oh, I love this song! Futatsu No Kdou to Akai Tsumi- On/ Off (Vampire Knight) it's a lovely song...it makes me smile every time, and I don't know why...it's actually pretty depressing (the lyrics).
Haha, weird...

Anyway, what else has happened...
I saw my friend Bejal who was visiting from Dubai, and will be back at Christmas, so I'm looking forward to that. 'Cause Toby and I didn't get to catch up, sadly. (Toby's her twin).
I'm seeing Lewis for coffee tomorrow and then Laura for lunch. So, that should be fun, and then on Tuesday Jonathan and I are having a Heroes marathon. Which...should be fun...

The most stupid thing at the moment, is that loads of people from my scho9ol keep greeting my on face book like this:
'Hey, :D How's the boyfriend?' , or, 'Hiya, you still with Hancock?' and several different variations of this. The thing is...the people who are asking me, are not people who should know! I have, however, worked out that, most of them know his sisters quite well...:/

Um, today I had to mediate a scarily de ja vu argument between Kerry-Anne and Karyn. It was almost exactly like what happened when heather and I stopped being friends...down to ending up with a mediater between the two( though, rather than it being Jonathan, of course, in this case, it was me). The stupid thing is, kerry was being so immature! There was nothing that Karyn had done, I could see that, even impartially, and she was convinced that ignoring Karyn and deleting her from her Facebook was 'mature' pah. Bullshit. It wasn't. Then she had a go at me for telling her she was being unfair to Karyn, because, well she was. Karyn's lost her mum and all of that, so how does she deserve to have more things go wrong for her? ARG!

I have found a liking for Paramore and Linkin Park, I'm practically addicted to them. I went on for five days with 'In Pieces' bu Linkin Park on repeat. *sigh* I wasn't sure why...but, I have worked it out now, or more, Jonathan did before I did. Eurgh. I'm so stupid sometimes.

And, the other bloody stupid thing is, that Becca still seems to be trying to make me feel bad for some reason. I spoke to her today, and, she basically said she was still miffed with me for not telling her I was going out with him for a whole month. I mean, she was the first person that i actually told! (Aside from James, but James was kinda the one who got me to ask in the first place). Anyway, so I went to say 'well, I'll make sure to tell you immediately next time' got to the next time bit, and then was kinda like 'well...er'...because, silly that I am, if I think of things as doomed it really makes me feel like crap. And, she went 'Well, there probably will be a next time' and I went 'Er...yeah, but...not in the next month at least, I hope'.
And, you know what? She said something very quietly, which she then refused to tell me what it was, or repeat and said it wasn't important and then said she was tired and had to go. Thing is, I swear she said 'I wouldn't be so sure about that.' and, because I'm the way I am, it made me wonder if he'd said something...and, I know I'm a complete weirdo and stuff...but, it hurt. Because, well, after everything and feeling rubbish about things and stuff, I was actually feeling really good these past two weeks or so. Yet, somehow...as soon as she gets back and I talk to her...that doubt appeared again. I don't understand.

I wonder if any of that makes sense, but, you know, it got me very confused.
Oh, f*ck I wish I'd shut up. I need to shoot myself one of these days.

But, anyway, I watched this film called 'Awake' with hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba last night, it was supposedly Psycological horror...psh. It wasn't scary in the least bit! I actually expected something, because I'm a fraidy cat, but it was such a wimpy horror film, to be honest. It didn't even scare me a tiny bit.
Then I watched Just my Luck, which again, makes me feel bleh.

You know, I am very suspicious at this moment in time...
Mostly, it's because of something that Jonathan said on Thursday, and this isn't a self-doubt thing...this is just...normal stuff.
He mentioned my blog...and said about how I only updated it when Fia nagged me. Well, when I asked him how he knew that...he said 'I can read you mind' and I never did get it out of him, but, as i've said before, I believe...I have this niggling idea that he's read my blog himself. Because, honestly, how else would he have known about Becca being a problem the first time, and about how Fia has to nag me to update? I've only mentioned them on my blog, and to no-one else...and when I didn't tell him what happened when becca and I argued, I know he must have known exactly what happened and Becca didn't tell him.
Therefore, I now plan to be very careful what I mention in my blog, and yes, I mentioned the conversation for a reason...because it was bothering me and writing it down makes it go away.

It would be cool if he could read minds though...haha.
Then again, if he'd read my blog he'd have known--actually, not going there. haha.
I'm not sure if I want to see Becca quite yet...but I've promised to go up to Guildford with her, ice skating, which I'd love to do...it's just that it's hard to not come away feeling bad about myself...which is silly.

I'm working on some Fanfiction at the moment...but it's not going very quickly for once. I think I'm experiencing what it's like to have no ideas! I don't like it!!!!!!
I think I need a hug, and to go to bed soon...haha.
Arg, now I'm listening to 'can You Feel the Love Tonight ?'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARG! Bleh! Eurgh! and Meh!

I'll miss him when he goes to university...I'll miss all my friends that go to university. It'll be sad to see then go.

But, nevertheless, I'm okay, Kevin's been cheering me up a bit and talking about paradoxes of information and stuff, which is nice. I'll have a nice time tomorrow and just try to forget what she said.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now, I feel a little ill :(

Love You More.

I had such a good day today! Well, not the best, but, good.
I went into school in order to take my last Module (E) and I passed with 80%!!! Which means I have finished! Done! Finito! En fin! Termina! Etc. You get the idea.
Before I took the exam, as requested, I went to talk to Mister. Peters about the accident. That was fine, Mister Peters is such a lovely guy.
Then I went into New Malden to go and buy myself a drink, and then walked back to meet Marika, Lauren and Katie. We walked into Kingston. Mii-chan and I got the bus, and then we met Dizzy and sammii. We got McDonald's (chips) and then we went to meet Nico. Nico's cool, I like him :) he's very funny, and smart and we got along very well.
I stayed out 'till 8pm lol!!!
Anyway, seeing Marika, Katie and Lauren tomorrow, we're going to go and play DDR and Marika's going to give me Ancafe music. :D <3 yaya

I'm pleased, because Jonathan sent us a group thread message which was longer than three lines. He misses us, well, I'm not sure exactly who he was talking to...it was kind of ambiguous really, but, at least if he meant all of us, I am icluded in that :D
Oh well, I'm going away tomorrow so, that should be good. I think ¬_¬
Damn I miss that boy - fool that I am.
Lauren and Marika (who have seen me with him) say we look cute together, like really cute, which was both embarrasing and nice to hear. :)
Well, I'm off now. Farewell!

Anything But Ordinary.

Right...it's been a while. Last blogged on Wednesday.
Welll, It's been hectic. I forgot to emntion the other day that, one, I passed module five with 87 percent :D yay! Only module E left now. And, when I saw Jack last Saturday we had a lot of fun. We sat around playing on his Mac and watching funny movies in five seconds videos on Youtube. then we played on his iPod Touch, and his younger sister, Amy had a little chat with me and was shooed by Jack ahaha. Then we went into the dining room and Jack played the piano for a while, which is my new message alert ( Jack playing Doomsday on the piano) it's so pretty. And, he can play...'Bad Day' which we sang along to.
Then we decided to go out for lunch so we walked down to Penarth and had lunch at the Oucho Club. It was so expenive haha, but, it was also hilarious because Jack wanted to hear all about the sleepover, and he said that we sounded worse than his friends were.

Then he told me all about this girl he hates at school who's really two-faced etc, and we planned what would happen when I meet her...it was rather evil, as usaul. Then we talked about introducing me to Kirsty when i'm down in Wales next, apparently she wants to meet me, which is lovely but kinda scary.I get so scared of new people.
Anyway, then we walked back to his house, Sophie (his older sister who goes to Oxford) came and said hi, and his mum came home and said hello and asked how I was etc. Then Jackand I were going to play Guitar Hero but his grandparents were in the living room watching the television sowe deicded to go up to his room instead.
He told me all about their hallowe'en party last year and his plan for the next one, which was hilarious and kinda creepy and he threw a severed foot at me when we were messing around. We decided to play board games, one was this one about little caniballs and I got eaten all the time...i basically lost four times. Then we thought we'd play Cluedo SFX, which involved us getting it out of the cupboard and the cupboard collapsing on us, but then we sat down on his bedroom floor and played the game. His dad came in to see what was going on because of the noise, and asked me how I was etc. Then obth his sisters came in at different times to find out what the noise was. Amy stayed a while and watched my hand to see if I was winning. I lost two games then we gave up playing.

So, we started playing articulate, which is an incredibly funny game if you haven't played it, I recommend it. At one point Jack ended up having to describe a word and our conversation went like this:
Jack: 'kay, you get like this when you're not getting any.
Me: Horny?
Jack: *roll eyes* No.
Me: Bored?
Jack: No!
Me: Not getting what, by the way?
Jack: *cough*
Me: I was right. Desperate?
Jack: Yep.

This is our type of conversation. there was also another that was rather funny:
Jack: It's a fruit, and it's purple
Me: A carrot?
Jack, Purple...and a fruit and you got carrot?!
Me: Let's not get technical.
Jack: I get they're purple...but...

Then of course there was when I got the word 'stradle' which was impossible to describe (as I didn't think, like riding a horse...shows how in the gutter my mind is) without sounding incredibly wrong.

The best one though, had to be one that I was describing to Jack, it was a person and this is what happened.
Me: Religion.
Jack: Um...
Me: it's...it's the guy with the china, and tibet and the religion thingy.
Jack: Dali Lama.
Me: Yep.

Another good one was Jack's: He lives in the Vetigan and wears a big hat.
Me: the Pope.

It really is a great game. Also, Jack has concluded that my mind is worse than his simply because I was looking around his room, mentioned his duvet and said about playing twister. His Duvet had the twister board on it...I think i commented about playing Twister like that...haha, he got what I meant. >__<>__<>__< haha.

Oh, right, I almost forgot - Torchwood. Well, in short : OMFG, NO!
Ianto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to send instant coffee packets like Jack to BBC Wales. lol. Overall, the series was well written and emotionally connective. It addressed many issues concerning the human nature, natural selection and self-preservation. it asked questions about government that probably should be asked and questioned what's for our protection or not. It also looked into loss and sacrifice. One thing I wonder is why frobochure had to die, though, as in the end they are all saved I admit it looked like they wouldn't be. However, the ending of the series was pretty bleak and I agree with what fia said I thought the same. Torchwood seems wrapped up. However, I can see the possiblity of Gwen, Rhys and Lois working in Torchwood again. There is still a rift in Cardiff, after all. My opinion is that (because, yes, Fia, jack is in the next series of Doctor Who) wherever he's beamed himself to Jack will fortuitously meet with the doctor just in time to have to battle some force threatening some form of civilization or collection of persons. This will then show Jack that what he does best is save people, prompting angst and some form of moving pep talk from the Doctor where jack will then realise he cannot run away. Then he should go back to earth and see Gwen and Rhys' baby, it will be a boy and name Ianto probably. Jack will visit Ianto's graveand possibly he will go and silently do something for his daughter, Alice.
This is the way it should be.

Unless they find a way to bring back Ianto, then he should be brought back and this would be the only difference.

Sunday today, nothing much of interest took place. I'm going to see Marika tomorrow, as I'm leaving for holidays on tuesday and sadly miss her leaving party and get back the day AFTER she leave for Japan.
I got the Vampire speical of SFX magazine. it's awesome. It had the top fifty vampires of screen and television. Guess who won? Oh yeah - Spike, as portrayed by james Marsters!!!!! Hell, yeah! He's awesome.
I have realised three things about myself while reading the magazine though:
I have three main fetishes.
-Voices. As in, if someone has a nice voice I am totaly in love haha, well, not exactly. But, still.
-Vampires
-Blond hair, peroxide blond or not.
I've also realised that I'm addicted to hugs, and that nice boys with a hint of bad boy, or bad boys who are really complete sweethearts are the way to go for me. usually good boys though...Mathew is a prime example of bad judgement on my part before and I'd never go out with someone like him again.
Lucky really - 'cause what I have is kinda perfect to me. Not that I'd tell him - it would swell his ego far too much for his own good. Anyway, I'm lucky, and deep down I am happy but I worry too much, I think part of me thinks I don't deserve this and is trying to find something wrong with it. :'( But, awww, gosh, he's so cute...haha. Darn it, he really is.
Spoke to Karyn today, I think I may be able to persuade her to come and re-take her GCSEs.
That's it for now.
I have the Star Trek and Labyrinth Soundtracks - they're awesome. :D
Going to see toby and Bejal when they're in England. Bejal gave me their number so that when I get back from hols I can ring them and then we can arrange meeting up. I'd quite like to introduce them to my friends...:)

Long life and prosperity.

Enterprising Young Men

Ah, so, I blogged, when was it? Last Tuesday, I think. I feel sure it was at some insanely early hour of the day. In any case, what have I been up to since last week?
Actually, that's a very good question to be asking myself, isn't it? I can't really remember very much of it.
Well, on Wednesday...I was supposed to be seeing my friend who was visiting me from New Zealand, Katie. It was just my type of luck really that her mother had gotten the dates wrong and was unable to meet up with me. Though, I am well used to this type of misfortune in my life, it was rather disheartening. As, I hadn't seen her for an entire eight years, and much as I was slightly nervous about seeing her after so long, I was nevertheless rather excited about it. However, fate being the cruel mistress ( wait, I have a mistress?!) that she is, it was not to be and she was forced to cancel on moi.

As it was, Jonathan was going to come with us, mainly to act as 'older person to enable our parents to let us stay out later and make sure we stayed out of trouble'. So, because Jonathan is not in touch with the twenty-first centuary in terms of handheld cellular communication, I was forced to send him a Facebook thread, though a mere twenty minutes before our meeting time as that was literally when I discovered my abandonment. Therefore, I went into Kingston anyway as I couldn't very well just leave him there...on his own, with no way of telling him and looking all pathetic...awwww, that's such an adorable mental image! Except, Jonathan doesn't do pathetic looks. Well, not often, at least.

I got there just as he did, even though i was a quarter of an hour lte, for which I was thankful that I hadn't been early, or even on time and forced to wait for him. I have started to wonder whether or not he's stopped trying to be on time to meet me because I am always invariably late to most everything I have to attend. And, chances being if the other party is early, I shall be later than normal.

He didn't actually say hello to me, he simply commented on the awesome-ness of my hat. Which, admittedly was quite an awesome hat, but, still. A greeting is not overly difficult, or has human communication involing common courtesy become obsolete? Most probably in all honesty.
In any case, I managed to explain what was going on about Katie ( although with some resistance from my tongue which refused to form words properly for several seconds - much as my fingers seem to be emulating with my typing at this moment in type).
In any case, he seemed unphased and simply asked what I wanted to do instead. And, as we had decided we would go to the cinema on Thursday (making up for not going on Tuesday) he suggested we simply went then. Which we did.

We went to see 'Public Enemies' starring Johnny Depp and it was excellent. However, tremendously sad and tragic. I cried. Twice. But, we also managed to not have Orange Wednesday codes too, which was a well done on our part. So, as per, I paid. And, then Jonathan said that should be it on the whole my paying for cinema trips...although, really, I think I should still owe him at least two more cinema trips, if he wants to say that, fine with me. I won't take away his chance to be gallant, or whatever it is...

Anyway, after the film we went to Borders to get Jack a present, and then i said I wanted cake so we dropped in at Patisserie Valarie. I bought myself a chocolate chip muffin and then we walked to the park. Sometimes...I don't think he understands a thing about me, to be honest, but, he's a guy so he sees things in a different way to begin with. But, I think we became closer at the same time...possibly? Anyway, when we said goodbye I got a very nice hug etc. and spoke to him later that evening...he said one thing that confused me quite some deal though.

Next day I went to Wales etc. Got home on Monday morning. Didn't do much.
Jonathan's gone on holiday...won't see him for quite some time. But, will just have to get over it.
I am seriously starting to get confused about his sexuality...and it's scaring me actually. I don't even know why but there's gotta be something amiss when he flirts with another guy! Even if he's like extra anti hugging of guys etc in real life...it just strikes me as odd.
Anyway, I am going to trust him absolutely, and if god for bid things get to a point where I just don't know anymore, I might have to take Jamie's advice...

I'd better just forget about it.
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I'd like to shoot someone right now. God, preferably if we knew for certain one way or the other (if he is real, I mean) and if he could be shot anyway if that were true.
I pretty much feel like he doesn't care about me one iota, I mean, he bloody replied to the main thread but not our private one, so, it's like, thanks. Arg. I'm almost glad I'm away when he gets back! I mean, what has he done to show me he likes me, really? FGS, I've been going out with him for , what, seven weeks and he hasn't even kissed me. Maybe I'm just repulsive. I don't know anymore. :'( I suppose I'm not exactly helping things myself, but, he's the guy, which may be stereotypical of me, but, call me old fashioned, if he likes me he should just show it. Because, as if I would ever reject him in any way. That's my biggest weakness.

I'm going to go and talk to Jamie about how unattractive we are for a while and then ask my mother if she'll buy me a DVD and a book tomorrow. Because Push is out on DVD now :)
Sorry for being angsty, just feeling low. I do miss him. It doesn't help when he seems not to care.
And that he didn't say goodbye to me on Monday when I spoke to him...
Well, I'm off.

No Tomorrow

I am so annoyed at this moment in time!
Okay, so I'm supposed to be going to the cinema with Jonathan tomorrow...bloody git hasn't actually bothered to tell me a time, or a place that we're metting so I am seriously angry right now.
I've just sent him a thread telling him where and when, and that I'll wait twnety minutes at most...if he stands me up I won't be talking to him at all...I don't care if he's going away for a week and i won't get to see him, if he can't be bothered to let me know something that simple then he obviously doesn't care. I mean, I know he ws working today and stuff, but, I bet anything he's probably round at Ruairi's , in his bed playing xbox or something stupid that boys do. Arg.
I know he's probably really tired from the party and stuff, but, still...it's not hard to say 'I can't go' or 'this time and place' is it, really? Boys are so stupid.
I don't care if he's amazing in every other way and I can't stay mad at him when he's actually talking to me...I don't get male logic...or the inablitiy to do anything with consideration to others.
I miss him :'( dammit...I hate this kind of thing. Plus, I am listening to this song from the party because I'm addicted to it...and I keep thinking about him...>___< damn.

Wow

Well, I'm back from the Pirate Sleepover Juni Sommeran Bash...

<----- that was my outfit.

It was certainly interesting. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing anymore haha. Anyway, I got to Becca's at four pm or so...having only gone to bed at 3am and gotten up at 7am. So...I was shattered to begin with.

We spent ages getting ready, listening to music and such. Graeme texted us and said he'd be late to the party because of work, and we knew Jonathan was going to be late anyway because of Wimbledon. So, we waited in the tent for a while and then kinda just hung around in the garden aimlessly for another hour. Graeme got there at about nine or so, perhaps quarter to. Then Tom, Danielle and Becca's dad returned from their TaeKwon Doe competition. Sporting medals. Tom won a Bronze, and Elle managed to come home with a Gold and is the best at sparring under sixteen in the country now. So, we were all proud of them.

Tom and Daniella joined us for a while, then Jonathan got to the party...and then Thomas was sent to bed at about 9:30, after he'd eaten. Elle stayed rather a while longer until around ten. When Jonathan got there I can't say I really acknowledged him very much, then...not sure exactly when but he complimented my appearance. It was something like 'I don't believe I've complimented you on your appearance yet. You look ravishing...' and then I think there was something like 'and quite ravishable'. Hmmm...that did make me smile though.

Um...yes, there was a lot of standing around done by myself because people seem to move once I sit down and I haven't done anything wrong. :( I guess I just have an evil aura! Anyway, when Graeme went to get a drink...and because my legs were starting to hurt I sat down on the edge of the bench were he and Jonathan were sitting, leaving loads of space for Graeme. Graeme came back and glared at me and said 'you have stolen my position!' I pointed out all the space but Graeme just did the 'ahhhhh' thing, and waggled his finger at me. Next thing I knew, Jonathan pulled me down the bench and next to him. Graeme kinda looked at us and then went off and it did take me a while to notice but Jon had his arm around my part of the bench...but, I didn't mind, obviously :P

Wow by Kylie came on at one point when I was sitting on the bench (after Jonathan had gotten up) and he ended up serenading me, I guess. It was rather amusing...and flattering...and embarrassing all at the same time. But, not in a bad way...God he's cute. Arg,..shush mind!
He kept pointing at me, doing spins and stuff while singing the song...which was quite funny, and a few times he came up the path and leaned in very close to me to sing certain parts. Part of me had concluded that I was probably bright red by then.

There was a lot of fascination with glowsticks at the party too...which was a little annoying at times. To be honest. But, yeah anyway, later on, after Graeme had left because he had work the next day (Graeme left at quarter past eleven) we were sitting on the trampoline - that's Becca and I - at least...I think Graeme had left by then, but no matter. So,I had my arms around my knees and then Jonathan kind of sighed...for no apparent reason and walked around to my side of the trampoline and then he stood behind me and put his arms around my shoulders, rested his chin on my shoulder and ended up so that we were cheek to cheek, and then the conversation just kinda carried on as before. But, once more Becca said something along the lines of 'I'm serious, guys. if you two start making out, I'm kicking you out'. I was more stunned that it seemed like that, to be honest. But, he just smiled and then said something along the lines of 'that boat in your front garden must be useful for something.' and Becca went 'as long as your out of my view!' and then he half turned to me, grinned and said 'How 'bout it?'. I took this as a complete joke, to be honest and just laughed. Stuff like that always makes me feel really uncomfortable because I never know what I'm supposed to say in reply. I mean, I probably would...I mean, obviously I'd want to make-out with him. I think that much should be obvious! Arg...but, when I talked to Becca the next morning and I asked why she kept saying about the 'no making out' thing, apparently we looked like we were about to start making out quite a lot of the time...which, well, it quite amused me, if I'm honest. I hadn't noticed...

Maybe I am just bad at picking up hints? James says I am.

Um...then a few times Becca and I had wrestling matches which Jonathan was a little too pleased by, and of course started him singing "Girl fight, tonight!" but, it was funny, to me anyway. But, I don't know...maybe it's odd, but I really don't mind that kind of proximity with girls or being considered by guys like that...but Becca does. And, to be honest, my view point is, well, why should it matter? I don't like girls and therefore physical proximity or contact with other girls makes no difference to me. I get a big blank nothing. Guys on the other hand...don't get me started on how badly they affect me. Which, I suppose is a sure-fire sexuality test...maybe Becca secretly is unsure? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me considering the amount of friends I have which are like that.

Um...then we went into the tent, eventually.

At some point along the way I had gained Jonathn's shirt over my dress, because I got cold...I think Graeme was still around when that happened though. So, yeah...Jonathan obviously had another top on underneath...shameeeeeee. :')

Then we watched Step Up in the tent, it was Jonathan's choice too. But, as he'd mentioned he had seen and owned Step Up 2 to me when we were in CEX on Thursday I assumed he might like to watch Step Up and took it with me. It was a good film actually.

Above is Jonathan hiding behind me from the camera.

Then when the film finished we kinda sat in silence for a while and then Jonathan asked what we could do next...and yes, I did plant the idea of Truth or Dare...but, I did it subtly enough that it made it seem like it was Becca's idea. Haha. Most of the truth, I don't remember, I avoided them. I hate truths. But, Becca dared me to put these glowsticks around my neck (they were like chockers) and then it was Jonathan's turn to be truth'd or dared and he chose dare. becca then dared him to take the glowsticks off my neck (five of the eight) using just his mouth. I was a little stunned by this and went 'a...ah...waa???' but, Jonathan seemed game enough. So, I got instructed to move my hair out of the way and he just went ahead with the dare. Okay, OH MY GOD, I totally almost fainted. I seriously don't know why, but...it was just weird...it was probably something about having him so close...and taking something off my neck, I don't know...but, I can't say it was exactly a bad feeling. Though, was pretty sure I was going to have a heartattack or something. Haha. And, that would have been a shame...oh, actually...dammit, my brain is so terrible!

Anyway, then, I'm not sure if it was in retaliation...not that the dare was exactly terrible to begin with...but, who knows...maybe he didn't want to go that close to me? *shrug* figures. Anyway, he dared Becca to take the remaining three from around my neck using only her mouth. Which was...rather annoying actually. Hence what I said about sexuality before...when he was near me it was interesting...when it was Becca it was a little like 'do hurry up!' She almost strangled me a few times too. Then Jonathan was telling her a better way to get them off because she was failing...and I was like 'you've developed a technique for taking things off my neck?! What?' and they were talking about it seriously...he really was taking it rather seiously when he said it. But anyway, after almost dying from being tugged at by the neck I was freed. Thank God.

So, possibly in retaliation to that, Becca made Jonathan put a glowstick bracelet on his wrist (incidentally the one with the shag bands on), one around his thigh (because I complained about foot...because no offense to anyone, I just don't like feet. And then two around his neck, and I was dared to take them off with just *my* mouth. Arg. I was also then given a time limit to the end of the playing song...which game me about a minute and a half. So, naturally I started with the wrist...avoiding the shag bands very carefully, then the thigh. James said he'd have been worried about that one, but, to be honest...to me, the neck would be worst, and hardest to get off. I was right.

Above is Becca in her outfit

It was so difficult, and I finally got one of them off, and then for the life of me the other one wouldn't come off. And, then Jonathan started laughing and his shoulders hunched, so I couldn't get to his neck and I was running out of time and dreaded a forefit, eventually I forced him to move his shoulders down, and then I had to try again...I accidentally bit his neck in the process but I got it off...with about a second to spare. I apologised to biting him, obviously...but he really didn't seem to mind. Which, struck me as a little odd. I just hope I didn't leave a mark...:S

Then...some truths and dares later...Becca (evil queen she is) plus, she's been drinking alcohol, so I think she may have been on the verges of drunk....she dared me to play suck or blow with Jonathan. Which, if you haven't seen the film 'Clueless' is where you pass a playing card (well, it was a playing card with us) it's usually a piece of paper, from one person to another mouth to mouth. You have to basically suck in air to keep the playing card to your lips, and then pressing it to the other eprson lips, they do the same and then you blow on the playing card to let go...kinda. That sounds wrong the way I've described it. But, if you drop the playing card, you have to kiss. Essentially, I was put in a position where, if I didn't play I forefitted...and the forefit (much to Jonathan's obvious amusement...and I doubt pleasure, but you never know) was that I'd have to take off every item of clothing that Jonathan had bought. Which just so happened to be my dress and his shirt. Sadly, I knew he'd bought his shirt as I was with him when he got it. So...I couldn't not do the dare, but if I failed the dare...not only would I have to kiss him I'd still have to forefit. She'd backed me into a corner because I knew I would drop the card as I couldn't keep it to my lips. But, after much dithering...of about 15 minutes plus, I agreed. Thing was, that, Jonathan seemed to avoid looking at me at all until he really had to...and I don't know...that made me feel worse, because if he was against it I wasn't going to try and make him. And, then he just went 'I don't mind' so that seemed so...cold that I got even more worried. Anyway, somehow (it must have been 4am courage) I went along with it, didn't drop it, got the card to his lips...which I must say was odd, it's like kissing someone but with a piece of paper in the way. :S and when i moved back we dropped the card. Except I was let off my forefits...I dunno why.

I guess, part of me wanted to kiss him...okay, I really did...but, at the same time...I was really scared and Becca was watching etc etc. Which made me against the idea. I'm not sure if I hurt his feelings though, because I made such a fuss about it. I only made a fuss because I was nervous, not because I didn't want to...I was terrified that if I had to kiss him he'd pull away or something...and bloody hell we're supposed to be dating. ARG. Life! And, after that his whole attitude towards me changed to really cold...which made me feel bad. :(

But, I guess I understand...and anyway, who could like me that much? No one...pah!

Anyway, then the game peatered out at about 6 am, and we decided to watch Man In The Iron Mask. Becca decided to go to sleep and while I was watching it with him, I kinda curled up on the sleeping bag and fell asleep myself. I was wrapped in two sleeping bags...

Next thing, after having some warped dream where we replayed the party, except I actually wasn't a wimp and I took my forefit, I woke up at about 8:40 am and...one thing I immediately noticed was that he'd gone. We knew he had to leave at about 8am...but, I didn't expect it. It felt very...empty without him. Then 'Girl Fight Tonight' came into my head and I decided to go back to sleep. Then I woke up again at about 11, and Becca had woken up and said 'he left us a note' and said 'did i miss it then?' and she said 'no, it was in the kitchen, with the back door keys on top. So, we worked out that he would have had to find the keys, open the back gate, find pen and paper and leave it for us, then leave. I also realised that I was still wearing his shirt. I had just assumed that he'd wake me up for his shirt before he left...but, you know. I managed to fall alseep in fishnets, short shorts, a tutu and Jonathan's shirt. >___<>

Anyway, then we got up, and went to Becca's room, got changed and decided to go and buy breakfast from the co-op...so we walked...it was so hot! And I was wearing tiny short...anyway, breakfast was nice, then we tidied the tent, chatted about the party. Becca told Elle what happened with the Suck or Blow game (that's the name of the card game...nothing else) which she promised not to do...but anyway, I seriously had to go 'did I actually do all of that?' and becca went 'yes, you did' I spent most of the day being appauled with myself...I mean seriously just going 'oh my God! I really did that? How did I have that much courage? What was I on...did you drug me, becca?' etc.

Then I went home...eventually...and screwed things up even more with Jon...great-y-great...:( But, should be seeing him on Tuesday so, I guess that'll be good.

See You Again ( Mafia Remix)

Oh, I forgot to say earlier. I got a postcard from school congratulating me on passing some more modules. Which I thought was very nice.
OMG - Millie basically asked ' are you and Jonathan going out' yesterday, while we were waiting outside the school. And I didn't exactly answer...I went all quiet and Emily just went 'Bit slow, Millie' and then everyone started screaming. That was about twenty people...all friends of his sister. I didn't even mention him! I have no clue if his sisters know...and I'm certainly not going to ask, but, I do hope they don't tell his sisters if they don't know. Haha.
OMG I'm so excited about the party...not because of the party really...just because of his hair really. He's gonna look so awesome! Hehe. Not that he doesn't already anyway.
It's so funny, Fia has decided that he is my Westley. Which...if he wears a shirt anything like Cary Eweles wore in the film...I shall be very happy about...
As long as the attention isn't all on Becca this time.

Mali was so shocked that I'm friends with Claire's brother, Graeme, but, I don't see why.
Anyway, I should get to bed...I need a lot of sleep so that I don't fall asleep at the party. Yay!
Party, party. I hope I look nice tonight...

Hero/ Heroine

Well, I haven't done too much today. Was supposed to get up at nine am, but, I fell alseep again...and I had to run for the bus, my iPod then decided to go flying out my pocket and bounce into the road. So, I resuced it, and luckily, Thank God for iPod cases, the only damaged thing was the leather case I bought for it. I was so shaken by my iPod's near-death expereince. More so than I usually am by my own...I wonder if that's strange.
Most probably.

Anyway, went into school to do Module six on the ECDL and got 88% on the assesment and then 88% on the actual exam, meaning I passed and now only have two more left to do and I'll have finished. One more, and I'll have the BCS level two.
Then I saw Shauni, and she chatted to me for a while...and then my mum picked me up and too me into new Malden. I went to McDonald's because I was starving...and then we went home.

It's the party tomorrow...I'm quite excited now , actually.
Especially because the guys can stay round this time. It's really cool that Jonathan's going to dye his hair blond for the party...for me, I think. Haha. But, I do hope he knows that he's fine just the way he is, in my opinion. Nothing will change that either.

Marian just spent an hour going on and on about how I should be a model. Which is a bit of a headdesk, but oh well. Lewis is pissing me off (again) and I really wish I had a gun when talking to him sometimes...he could drive a saint insane within minites.
Anyway, he's still my friends, no matter.
I'm off to play Rhodan for a while.

One More Night Alone

Well, I posted earlier...but silly computer decided to delete my post! Evil computer.

Anyway, here is my day today:



I had my Sixth Form induction assembly today. I got there at about eight thirty or so on the bus with Amy and we met Louise outside the school on the wall. Louise would not shut-up about X- Factor, which was quite annoying to me, but not to anyone else. So, then Sophie and Rachel Thomas joined us and we waited outside for a bit. Then Claire and Lydia got there. We waited for a while and all these Coombe Boys were gathering on the next part of the wall. I must say...we have some interesting hair joining our school next year. I say this because, there was someone with Skunk hair. Literally. It was the most prominant thing about the new entrants from Coombe Boys.

Eventually, we actually went into school because it was almost time for the actual talk to start and the boys were kind of intimidating standing there. As it was, as soon as we moved and went inside, they followed suit. I got the feeling they were just trying to be cool about having no clue where they were going or what they were supposed to do.



Eissra and Daniel were manning the door - I feel for the, the poor things. I'm glad they're head boy and girl, they're right for the positions, nice and I'm friends with them...which makes my power trip awesome. Anyway, the talk didn't actually start until 10:20, even if it was supposed to start at 10;00 am. So, I was sitting with Bella, Claire, Lydia, Soraya, Laura, Bryony and Jade. We chatted about random stuff and then i saw Carys and we had a Torchwood chat and general catch up.

Except I found out that two boys from my old school are joining my school: Edward and Paul.

They really hate me, so I'm very worried about it. As they've beaten me up before...and I'm sure they wouldn't be beyond it now.



Anyway, eventually we had the talk, it was boring, but gave some useful information. I got out as soon as possible. Then I ended up waiting with Alice, Chloe, Lydia, Marion, Emily, Kate, Abbie, Vikki, Kim, Chelsea, Millie, Bello and Claire while I waited for Jonathan.

Who...walked straight past. And, was ten minutes late, though it wasn't his fault.

So, said goodbye to them and followed him. Then we walked to Catherine's house together.



We got to see Alison and Catherine, which was lovely. Weclome Catherine back and such. It was quite funny. Jonathan and I ended up fighting over schweetheart...as per usual. And, kind of...generally...I'm not sure why though. All I know is that...he's a lot strnger that he lets on. Or...at least, has ever let on to me. Oh well. :)

Then we left...and went to Matalan and he got himself another Hawai'in shirt. I thought it was quite nice actually, but then again...I like his Hawai'ian shirts in general, and no one else seems to agree. But, I think they're rather nice, actually.

Went to Kingston and bought Buffy The Vampire Slayer season four on DVD, was going to get Heroes or Angel but...they were kind of too expensive really. At £18 ad £16...and the Merlin cd is £11.99.

I had a chocolate milkshake too :D from Shake Away which was yummy.

We went to Computer Exchange, but I didn't find anything i wanted to get, sadly. But, I shall look next time.



Then he walked me to the bus stop, which, I guess he didn't have to, but was nice of him. Saw Marion and Lydia for about the seventh time that afternoon, which was just amusing and just slightly creepy.



Got home, had some coughing fit and almost threw up for no apparent reason. Then was talking to Lewis on Facebook and he decided to start commiting suicide while talking to me, I got so annoyed with him for it, and then he turned out to be bloody faking in order to get attention and after I had some massive go at him as, all I've spent my time doing is trying to help him, if he went and even pretended to do that, all that was doing was throwing my help back in my face and why should I bother to care about him? Well, he suddenly got it and then went off in yet another depressed mood, but he was at least able to understand that he was a complete idiot and pretty upset with himself for alienating the only person who seemed to actualyl care about him. According to him, that is.
But, then I had to leave because I was going to the theatre with friends. So, I kinda left him.
Got chnaged and walked to Kingston, even though I left fifteen minutes before I had to be there I was early, and went to pullinger's to see if I could bu y Anna a present. But, alas, they close at 5:30pm...I probably should have done it earlier in the day, to be honest. But, I forgot.
Raced back to meet Becca, who I invited as our last ticket to the Rose theatre with us. Met her, and then we walked down to Borders to meet Anna. Met Anna, who then went to go and pick up the tickets and we waited for Sabrina.

Sabrina got there...completely high (on Lucuzzade) and informed us 'I'm lateeeeee' which, we'd kind of noticed. Walked down to the Rose Theatre and met Anna who then had the tickets.
Nanta Cooking was awesome!
In fact, I half wonder if I should have invited Jonathan. Mostly, because it involved martial arts, lots of knife throwing and very incredibly amusing. I think he would have enjoyed it. however, I doubt he would have said yes...too busy with Warhammer probably.
In any case, I can't got to Leila's dance show tomorrow...and I can't go on saturday because that's when the party is. Ooops. I'll have to make upfor that with a DDR trip and Grape Soda.

Back to Nanta Cooking...'twas awesome. Afterwards the four of us were a little hyper, so as you do, Becca and Sabrina decided to eat sugar. Yes, sugar. From packets. In the cafe thing. We took lots of photos...one of which my skirt looked so short I will not allow it on Facebook.
Then we went to meet the cast, and took a few phots. And, Anna's dad showed up. He took some photos of us with the cast and then we said goodbye to the cast. They were lovely, honestly.
As Anna's dad is the Mayor, he asked us if we wanted to see the Mayor's chambers.
We said yes, obviously. And, he took us across the road and showed us all the stuff in his office. More photos were taken and we signed the visiter's register thing. Which, only officials and stuff sign. Which was awesome.
Then...we did the 'mine' seagull thing and Anna said 'I bet that's never happened in the Mayor's chambers' and Sabrina said 'I bet a lot of things haven't happened in the Mayor's cambers'.
I half wonder if it was weird of me to think 'Yeah...wonder what has and hasn't happened in the Mayor's chambers.' Then wonder if I could ever go there again and take someone with me...I'm going into no more detail. But, becca seemed to have a similar thought, because I asked her. Either that, or my mind is just terrible. Probably.

Then we left...and did the Matrix walk down the hall. Then...Sabrina filmed me doing a Mission Impossible catwalk thing down the main stair and saluting the people at the main desk. It was amusing. Then Anna tripped on the last stair. So funny. Anna's dad drove us home, and then we ended our day. That was the 25th of June 2009.

I Caught Myself

I know, it's horrible, is it not, that I - Twilight hater (Don't tell Alison) - happen to be addicted to a song which is *shock horror* in the Twilight film?! It is. Very.
However, I find I like Paramore, I did even before hearing the song (which is, I should like to point out, not the fan favourite Decode...) so I went ad bought some Paramore music on iTunes. Dear dear...I've gone from R and B, to Hip Hop, to Pop, to Techno, then trance and ended up at this strange, strange mix of music.

Anyway, onto more pressing matters...none of which could be considered so by anyone other than myself. Well, not many at least. No, actually...probably just me.
I'm trying to remember what I've been up to recently.
Hmmm...well, on Thursday I didn't do anything too interesting. I say this because I cannot remember what I did last Thursday, therefore, it can't have been that interesting.
However, on Friday I had actually bothered to act like a human being and leave the house.
I went to the cinema to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with Jonathan. Which was nice, because I hadn't seen him since the Saturday before when Graeme, Becca, Jonathan and I went shopping.
Not sure I've actually written about our shopping trip already. it was ages ago (the 13th) and we bought stuff for our party. Which is this weekend, and shall (hopefully) be awesome. But, yes, Jonathan bought me an outfit...not sure how he convinced me on that one, but I wouldn't let him unless I could pay back part of it, so I am...in cinema trips. He also got me a Pirate hat. And I bought a cane, Jonathan got one too, and we both discovered that they glow in the dark. How awesome!

Anyway, so I got to see him, for the first time since then...and our 'talk' which was a little scary for me. But, it was okay. We met at 11, then went to buy drinks because the Odean ones are far too expensinve, and as we'd just bought our tickets even though it started at 11 we assumed there'd be a lot of adverts. Got back at 11:20 and the ads hadn't even started. Eventually when it did start we had to watch the ads and then the film started.
I wasn't too pleased at the begninng, because the two main characters were talking about making theirrelationship long-distance because Sam was going to college, and blah, blah blah. it was just too close to home, except Sam wasn't the one thinking about breaking up, it was his girlfriend. Anyway, so about twenty minutes into the film, right after a fight scence and the pair decide to try Long-distance they kissed and...then the screen went black. I have to say it was quite amusing because he just went 'that was a good film'. But, apparently they had sound difficulties, and to cut a long story short we went to a different screen where it was just starting, nabbed Premier seats and had to watch all the adverts again, but saw the entire film too.
We didn't actually get out until 3pm or something.
Then we went back to his house and played on his new Xbox. And he gave me lunch. Yum :)
There was a weird thing where his friend, Ruairi (I think I spelt it correctly) came round. I don't know the guy, he doesn't know me...he and Jonathan kind of chatted and Jonathan carried on playing on the xbox with me. We didn't even acknowledge one another really. Only when Jonathan complained about my hitting him with a spade in the game...
Which I found amusing, and fitting when he kept getting all the money first. Then I went home.

Went to Wales last weekend to stay with my Grandma, which was nice. Though...as she's only just gotten Digital television I spent most of Saturday watching Top Gear on Dave, and Scrubs etc. I also watched Jurassic Park III, I love Jurassic Park...I don't actually know why, it's so gruesome and...*shudder* I just enjoy it.
Haha.
Anyway, came home. then on Monday Becca and I had Trek times. As in, we went back and forth between Kingston and New Malden all day and my mum was mad with me haha.
But, it was fun, and i borrowed CDs from becca and tried on my dress for the party. I looked awesome (so immodest there, but...oh well for once).

Then, as I'd asked Jonathan to come online I spoke to him from something like midnight to...five am...hmm...not the smartest thing I've done but it was nice to talk to him after five days of FB silence between us because of his new XBox 360...aside from threading. Boys and electronics...honestly. Okay, I was obsessed with my iPod Touch but I didn't go overboard...much. haha.
Jack is back from Australia! yay, and has a present for me, so that's awesome.

Yesterday I took an IT module. Number 4. And, I passed with 94%. Because I was in triple science I didn't have any lessons for a year and never got around to doing the IT stuff for ECDL. I only have three left now though : 5, 6 and E. So, I'm very pleased. I'm taking 6 on Friday so I am almost free and get a B grade GCSE for doing very little.
Afterwards, my mum picked me up and treated me to lunch in New Malden (with cake).
We were walking down the high street back to the car - after my mum bought me an awesome magazine which had an article all about Assassin's Creed II in it :D (yay) who should be walking towards me but Jonathan. haha, we saw each other and smiled but my mum was totally oblivious to my distraction... which was quite amusing.

My mother had decided I spend far too much time on the computer so she's going to give me a limit of midnight to stay up for a while, until I am more responsible :O which means I'll braely be able to talk to Jonathan and my friends...because they all come online really late. Aside from Fia, Fia's normal. :)

Today I ddin't do very much...I went to kingston with my

Tomorrow, is our induction day at school for the Sixth form. How thrilling...
But, it goes from 10 until 11 in the morning and then I'm meeting Jonathan and we're going to Catherine and Alison's house to welcome Catherine back from university. It'll be nice to see her after so long. We're staying for lunch and then I'm going into Kingston to buy Buffy The Vampire Slayer season four, the Heroes soundtrack and some other stuff. Jonathan's coming with me.

Then later on in the evening ( at 7:30) Anna, Sabrina, Rebecca and I are going to the Rose Theatre to see Nanta Cooking. Which shall be entertaining.
And I am worried because I've given Jonathan an idea for the party and he says i should be worried but won't tell me what it is...
Dear dear.
Boys.

Oh well. Ugly Betty came back today, it was amusing. But, it's not the best show ever. I can't wait to see CSI: Miami the new season. And NCIS. But, looking forward to seeing people tomorrow.

Oh, and Fia said I weirded Livvi out haha. I apologise, she'd just mentioned you to me. Then told me today that you mentioned me. *waves back* You can blame Fia for my reading your blog, she told me you'd read mine, and then gave me the link to yours. :)


Oh, this is irritating...he won't tell me what it is he has planned...and I'm all curious. >__< Good thing he's so cute, and dying his hair blonde for me or I'd go in a huff with him and ignore him 'till he told me.

Narnia

Has anyone thought there actually was another world through their wardrobe? That was random, but I think it'd be awesome.
Proof I am obsessed with James Marsters :

Mum: There's something in the newpaper I think you'll like.

Me: Is it James Marsters?

Mum: No...you and flipping James Marsters.

Me: Milo Ventimiglia?

Mum: No.

Me: not interested then.

I'm having a very busy week but, it'll be awesome I hope :) so, looking forward to that. And, possibly meeting Livvi, Fia's friend soon, which shall be cool :D

See You Again.

Okay...life is hectic.
And, at least a few things are sorted now.
Yeah, not sure if I mentioned before (sorry) but, FIA GAVE ME A PICTURE OF THE HATIAN! Thank-you. :) I <3 it, it's awesome.
I think Miley Cyrus is quite talneted...oh dear. Fia will be annoyed.
Hmm...I find myself crying today rather a lot...but, i guess that's half understandable.
Jon and I had a 'talk' last night...it wasn't like 'I'm dumping you' kinda thing...but, God it was complicated. I'm trying to make sense of it...
Three months, eh? That seems like a long time...and nothing at all at the same time. Load of bloody good it does...why didn't I actually bother to do something sooner? I can't understand why I wasted that time. I'm so stupid.
But, I'm really thankful for my friends right now. Betzy, Jamie, Lucy, Jess, Rachel, Maryam and Fia have been amazing help. I really appreicate their advice etc. I'm very lucky to have such good friends.
I joined MEEBO today, because James wanted me too...kinda glad I did.
I feel a mixture of dispondent and happy today. I mean, okay...I know where I stand with Jon...finally. But, I aslo happen to be very confused about what exactly he meant about liable to end in three months. Okay, yes, he's going to uni...and I guess...there are several reasons he might have said it. Maybe once he gets to uni he just doesn't want to be tied down back home...? Probably...
I guess I won't know unless I ask...but, I'm too scared of the answer I'd get.
Just my luck that I do like him enough that...if he wanted to try, I would do long-distance. Maybe it's stupid of me to feel this way...but, I guess I seriously am a fool and can't help it. He means a lot to me.

I ended up explaining about Matt to Jamie tonight, Jamie now wants to murder him...which is problematic, but...maybe Matt deserves it? I'm not sure...okay, maybe he ws abusive as a boyfriend and other crap, but I don't think he's a bad person.

Awww, Betzy just called me a genius. How lovely...though misguided. Haha. So worried about my exam results...soooo terrified....:(
Back to my conversation with jon, randomly, and away from the time limit because I don't want to think about it...it makes me sad. :(
I asked him to 'prove' he liked me/ whatever...he didn't actualyl do anything in the end...but...really all I wanted was to be considered 'official'...like a relationship status kind of official. But, i guess he wouldn't see any point in that...but, it would make me feel like I actually meant something more than something that he just wanted to end in three months, go to uni and forget about. *sigh* I guess at least I know...that's something. In a way. No, of course it's *something* just, something that means less to him apparently. Oh, for God sake! I should just shoot myself, how depressing I sound!
Annoyingly 'You Raise Me Up' came on the shuffle...and I feel like crying now. Why is my iPod mostly love songs!? Do I have no respect for my own feelings? Do I want to make myself burst into tears???! No, I don't...but, I guess it helps to a degree.
Been feeling sick ALL day, and the past three days or so. :( I don't think i've had more than about four meals in the past four days. I feel kinda ill now too...arg. I'm going to have to go to bed.

Still cannot locate Laptop charger. Mobile hates me and fried my brain. Fell asleep listening to iPod earlier for three hours...very uncomfrotable sleeping position. Found out I have an awards ceremony on Friday and I'm supposed to be going to the cinema with Jonathan...drat. So, need to find out if I can get out of the ceremony...which I probably can knowing my skill and getting out of things. Also kinda hope he and Becca stop with the conversations...no matter how 'meaningless' they are...:/ makes me feel all funny. It might not be my thing, but that doesn't mean having a girlfriend and having conversations like that with her best friend is okay. Everyone agrees. Even the biggest male player I know. It...it's just not. But, I suppose if i mean very little that could be why. :(

Feel like crying again. Damn life. You get what you want most, and then you realise that soon that's going to be taken away. And, much as it pains me...I can't NOT take the time I'm getting. because I'm obviously a masochist or something...glutton for punishment etc.
Twilight quote comes to mind! :O dear Lord! When Twilight is in my mind it can't be good. But, it does ring true of that quote.

I bought a new book today...so I'll have something to distract me, I guess. Jack's in Australia so I can't tell him what's going on! And, I can't talk to Becca about this. Come to think of it...I wonder how he knew we had to talk about Becca. I cant think she would tell him? Or, maybe she would...she keeps surprising me with what she'll say and do. Or...maybe he's a mind reader...? :S But, it that were true, than unless he actually wanted to upset me he'd know what to say. It's just occured to me that I suppose there is the smallest of possiblities he's read my blog...but, I sure as hell hope not. FanFiction was bad embarrassing enough...
Can't actually think how else he would know...oh dear.
(looks above) Hmm...actually...can't be F****** to get rid of it. Might do people some good to know the truth for once. After all, if you can't say something over a chatbar/ face-to-face...it's better to be able to say them with the chance that someone will find out. I don't even have to say anything that's hard, just write what's truthful. And, I can't be bothered to keep what I actually think wrapped up inside all the time. It's so pointless to live like that. But, I don't have the confidence to say what I'd like in person...or in normal life. So, I'll rant to no one...or Fia...but, least she can't tell me off for my pessimism. I'm sorry I'm so pessimistic, just feelng down today, Fia. I promise to try my best these next three months.
If...if I have to...I'll just have to show him that I might be worth long-distance. I'm probably not, but I can at least try, there's no harm to come from it.
I need a hug right now. I haven't seen anyone in ages...okay, last saturday...still...

Failed an IT module again today, though I can't say I'm surprised, I was so distracted today. I am surprised that my mother hasn't noticed though. usually she knows when i'm upset about something, but this time she doesn't seem to have noticed. Though...pretty sure (okay, certain) she's catching on to what's going on. I can't tell her though...she wouldn't understand.
She was right about one thing though. Peopel flirt for a reson, even if it's just to see how far they can get away with. It never means nothing...even if it's not in that way.
Should do more work on Jon's pics, but I can't find the spirit...anyway I'll probably just start crying my bloody eyes and over it. Anyway, I'm not really talanted enough...:( at anything.
Why couldn't I be different?

I want to mean something for once...
I need to do something constructive! Like go to work! or, get some sleep. Yeah, I should sleep as I have to get up at seven...
I need to get a grip. I'm so pathetic sometimes. Okay, fine...my 'boyfriend' who...doesn't really seem to see me like that, honestly, is going to uni in three months and doesn't seem to think it's possible to carry on once he's there. Possibly because he wants to get out and meet uni girls...(probably) and who the hell would want some sixteen year old back home tying them down? FFS. Why am I unlucky?
I don't think he even gets that I like him sometimes...or even likes me like that. I don't know! I just remember that I asked him wh ythe person I liked didn't like me back...a while ago and he said 'I honestly don't know' as I was meaning him...either he's an idiot and thinks I meant someone else...or I don't mean anything like that to him.
I guess I'll have to ask him I shall go insane...
Lucy says he's lucky to have me (pah) I can't say I agree with her, but I thought the comment was sweet. And Jamie says I'm the type of girl who's a 'keeper' apparently...guess not everyone would think so...

Oh yeah. Fia told me Livvi's been reading my blog. I really hope she doesn't think i'm norally this bad at writing/ spelling/ typing...and angsty. I'm not. Okay, maybe a little angsty but I write what's coming into my head at the time. Sadly I always seem to be worrried about this kind of thing when I blog. Anyway, Hello, Livvi :)

I need sleep now.
But, before I go...I had a weird dream yesterday. it weas about buses.Yeah, buses :P
Hannah and I were trying to get this bus to somewhere, but they were all 85s (even though we were in an area which is the 213 bus route and not the 85) or 57s and 131s. All in an area they shouldn't be. hannah was also miles away from her house. And, then...basically...we missed this bus too. And, then it was like we realised that were we were going didn't exist, or the bus we needed wasn't real/ went there.
I asked my mum about it ( as dreams reflect our subconcious thought etc) and she said it meant that I was worried that I was going to wrong was/ wasn't taking the right path/ worried about where I was going, but I was going to right way anyway. I'm not sure what that reflects onto my current situations...because does that mean things will work out as they work out and I should just see? I guess some part of me wondered why he almost gave me an option out...and if maybe, if he felt that way, I should have taken it. But, to be honest, when I think about it...it'd hurt a lot more to do that right now. Than to see what happens. If only things were'nt so difficult. I don't think anything is ever simple with me.

At least I didn't have Lewis telling me Jonathan doesn't care about me for a few hours today...because it really doesn't make me feel great...but, lewis is Lewis and he is but all he can be and I accept him for his honesty and who he is.
I...god I feel completely lost right now. This is so damn confusing for me. I should not be allowed to think. I mull things over FAR too much. Why can't I just forget and have a good time?
Life's going to suck next school year. Seriously badly.
Life is the most complicated thing ever...and, yes, scientifically proven too :P by the fact that we never understand everything.

'She looked in the mirror, and thought today what happened to miss no longer afraid? It took some time for her see, how beautiful life could truly be. No more talk of what can never be.'
I'm listening to this now...maybe I need to understand this? or, to some degree, try and forget what I obviously can't change. Damn...now it's 'I Think I'd Be Perfect For You'...drat.
Switched songs...proof that my life is out to get me? 'Ain't No other Man' !!!!!!! ARG! Might be true, but why me?!
Okay, better 'Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking her Clothes Off.' though...somehow it reminds me of shopping on Saturday. Okay, that's it. I'm doomed. To a life of alone-ness and meh. Can life be made of 'meh'? Why am I saying 'meh'? Stupid word.
Can't Speak French...
Hmmm.
And, Adeui.

Everybody Dance Now

I'm listening to the above song. Such a good song...haha. Oh, now it's 'Love Don't Let Me Go' haha. I love songs like that. Anyway, away from my sudden urge to ring Leila for DDR. DDR- yay! I'm actually getting better at it. Before I was a complete epic fail, but i watched Leila and how she does it, and I've obviously picked stuff up because I went up a level and passed it :) It wasn't the best pass ever - but, still. We're going to go next week sometime. And, have Grape Soda...which I now love totally. Grape Soda - FTW :D

I really need some new music...I can't get the Avril Lavigne album. I don't even like her music too much but it's something to listen to that I don't dislike. I reallllllllyyyyyyy want the Angel soundtrack...it's so awesome! And, I'd quite like to get hold of the Once More With Feeling album, because it was such a good episode and you can't get on iTunes etc.

Leila just asked me if I wanted to go to school together on results day to get my results and her short-course results. I agreed, because I have suddenly realised just how terrified I am of my results. I need moral support. Maybe she can open them for me...
Stead and I have an ECDL exam tomorrow - joy, so we're going to that together. :)
Um...might be going out to Kingston tomorrow with Fia and meeting Livvi for the first time (possibly) . Not...possibly I may have met her before...I mean, I'll possibly meet her. Haha.

I haven't done very much in the past few days. I finished writing chapter two of The Road Is Long and posted it...Jon BETAed it for me...I don't think I'm ever going to ask again...he seriously was over-zealous. He told me to tell him to back off if I wanted him to, but, what's the point in that? It did irritate me slightly though...made me feel very stupid, to be honest.
God, I get so irritated with people sometimes. Even the people I like.

Hmm...I wish I had a boring life sometimes. It would make a lovely change...I dislike all the angst my emotions bring into this.
Anyway, off to do something vaguely constructive...

My Hero Is You.

You know...life actually sucks so badly.
Even when I feel better about things it bloody doesn't fail to screw up again!
I really wish i understood why things make me feel this way, but I can't help it. It does. Why am I so horrible? Maybe I should just go and disappear somewhere...

Anyway, about going to see Fia in Twicks sometime this week. My mother said "But, those girls got killed around there...I'm not sure I think it'd be a good idea. You've never been there." Oh. Dear. Lord. I'm not going to get murdered! Sadly- for the rest of the world. But, I do have an exam on Wednesday and Tuesday...so it might be better to go to Kingston or something? We could go to Pattisserie Valarie? :) Yum -cake.

In other...boring news about my life: I have a Pirate hat and a cane. Which I was thrilled about...until my happiness dissolved about twleve hours ago and I can't seem to shake off this feeling of...unless-ness and that I can never be enough. Which is true, I've always known that...but, acknowledging something such as that is not the most pleasent of things. I obviously spend far too much of my time thinking. Though, thinking before I spoke would possibly come in rather handy once in a while. Why am I so flawed? In every way? Is it impossible for me to do something well for once? :(

I feel very bad right now...and I honestly wish life wasn't like this. I mean, why does it makes me feel so...worthless to be with my friends? It shouldn't, I should enjoy myself but quite truthfully I don't. Sometimes it's okay, but it's rare that I enjoy anything. I think I've lost the ability to see the good in things. I mean, when I was trying to stop Lewis from being silly about his life and such. Well, I managed to say things about life which I should believe.
He told me I was the person who stopped him from seeing all the bad things in his life and appreciate what he has, and their value. Why then, can I not manage that myself? Is it hypocritical to say things like that to him when i'm not sure even I believe them?
Most probably.

My laptop charger has gone missing somewhere so I shall spend my afternoon hunting for that, and I've written part of Chapter Two for The Road Ahead Is Long. It's true though, the road we walk is long...no matter what. Unless you get murdered or something. And, even then...life is full of things that make it terrible. Constantly.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Someone please tell me to get a grip! I shouldn't be allowed to think, it only ends badly...or to talk and write. I shouldn't be granted things such as a brain. I honestly don't deserve anything. Stupid friends! Why are they so nice to me? I treat people badly and they're still nice! Okay, I don't mean to treat them badly, but I feel that I do. I probably take them for granted. And, yet they still stick up for me and such. I don't understand it. I know I shouldn't want them to hate me...or to turn away...but, sometimes I just think that things would be so much better for them if they did. I don't want to be on my own, or whatever...but, at least if you don't have anyone they can't let you down. Time, and time again...

It just doesn't stop. It happens in the same way each time. They will leave me and I know that, and have done since I met them all. Sure, some of my friends have stayed friends with me for years and years...but, I've always worried that this particular group will just walk away. And, the amount of times I've been upset by things to do with them I wonder if it's worth all of this. I can't change myself...and yet I think they wish I would. I know I get told that no matter how mnay times they say it, they do like me and I just don't hear it. But, I do hear it. I do. I just don't trust it. Even if I do trust them beyond anyone else...I can't believe something like that. because I don't understand it. Xenophobia much? haha.

Not really...

Anyway, Jack's in Australia at the moment, for the next two weeks so that's cool. I'll get to hear all about it when he gets back :D and Katie's visiting from New Zealand in a few days. I believe she should be leaving in two days. And, then I'm meeting up with her on the first of July. Taking her around Kingston etc. It should be fun. I've missed her loads, haven't seen her for eight years!

I'm going to go and buy a Pepsi and drown my sorrows. It's not like there's anything better to do. I'm probably going to go and read my books for a while, and if I find the Charger then I will write some fanfiction. I feel sad right now. I don't feel like I have anything good going on for me.
Maybe I shouldn't bother with him anymore? I mean to say...he obviously likes her more. That much is probably true. May as well bow out gracefully. it's not like I can ever match up, is it? :(
Shame about Graeme though...I really do think she likes her.

I don't want to bloody give up though! Arg! stupid life! Stupid people! Why is it all so difficult?! Why can't I just say what I really think once in a while? Because what i think is stupid probably. Everything that comes out of my mouht is worthless and stupid. I can tell that no one actually gives a damn whether I'm around or not. And, who needs to be needed anyway? Pah.

Me. Actually...I really do. :'( I want a hug right now.
All my family seem to think is that I purposely try to be anti-social towards them etc. but seriously...I don't see anything in it. I'm just not interested. I've lost that. Wish I did get excited about things.

Stupid thing is, that no matter how many times I doubt them, or want to hate them...or they hurt me without realising. I always end up not being able to turn away from him. It's silyl and wretched, but it's true. And, he seriously does make me feel like I'm worth something...just occasionally. And that's the best it will ever get for someone as pessimistic as me.
Fia sorry if I went all blah on you...:S

Topping off everything -I'm on my third different type of hayfever medicine. And, it's about as affective as the other two. Unaffective. :(

Our Song

Okay, since my last post...what has happened.
Well on the exams side..maths was easy as. Except the vectors thing...it was just impossible to work out how to prove. I failed that question. Haha. Erm...both Englishs were quite good and I think geogrpahy went well. I was literally the only person in the entire year to actually finish the Geography exam so I'm not too worried. I thought I had failed History but, it turns out the thing I couldn't remember and hoped my guess from vague memory was correct...well, it was correct. Luckily, my darling best friend Jack was able to assure me of that when i asked him what it was.
I think I epically failed Chemistry...I was almost crying in the exam and I have four exams left now.
Joy of joys.
I'm not too pleased about it all.
Or anything much right now.

Aside from exams...I...haven't done much of interest.
I suppose the only things I've really done is on Tuesday after English I went to Jon's house to revise, and I went to his after Chemistry on Thursday. Nothing else really.
He managed to get Basshunter's Jinglebells stuck in my head for the next two days.
And, I'm doing two pictures for him - a vampire and Basshunter :S I need to find out what Basshunter actually looks like though...

I think the song I'm listening to right now sums up a lot ' Human' - The Killers. I feel rather inhuman right now...I seem to have gotten to this point where...my emotions are all weird.
I don't care about much, and I spend my time trying to stop my other friends from commiting suicide, or slef-harming...or sorting their relationship problems. And, I guess like with Josh and Jamie helping them to get the girl. I mean, Fia acts as my gony Aunt, which I apologise for, although she is very good at it. But, you know...I guess sometimes I need an Agony Aunt too.
Much as Jon may offer, and I did moan a bit last night...it's really hard to tell him the stuff that bothers me. because I always doubt that he actually cares, and I know he can't help anyway.

I really wonder why I even bother with this most of the time...friends and stuff, I mean. Because much as I don't want to admit it the thing that upsets me the most is that I will always be second best, and the people I care about ALWAYS abandon me. My family don't like me too much either - my uncle always says stuff like 'are you sure you're smart enough to do that?' and my aunt by marriage always treats me like I don't understand anything. Or, that I'm four-years-old.
And, my mum keeps asking me what's wrong and it's not like I can tell her -because that would involve a lot of in depth explaining that goes beyond what I've been able to tell anyone. I can't even tell me best friend (B, not Jack this time) that I really do like our other friend and the fact that she tells me they have web sex and the exact details of the conversations between them...not to mention having to watch her flirting and have her dress in the shortest skirt imaginable that her mother says to her 'don't stand on any street corners' it really does upset me. It hurts. I wish it didn't, in fact I really wish I did like Graeme or something. And, as that stands, even he admitted he may like her. I don't mind, of course. I wish they liked each other and started dating, I'd make me happy to see them happy. But, it doesn't change the fact that I have to hear of all these things and she knows on some level that I like him. it's like she's constantly trying to say 'you're not good enough - he'd f*ck me before he'd ever notice you' and tbh, sometime I'm so tempted to just say to him 'go fck B, then you'll be happy'.
Of course, I'd never actually say that...however angry or tempted I may be to say it. Mostly because I guess I don't want him to admit that's what he'd love to do.
Ah, sh*t I don't want to think about that at all. It makes me feel physically sick to think about them...even as a couple...argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

How ironic that 'I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked' -Ida Maria just came on the shuffle...this is not amusing.
I feel so crap. I don't care about much, and what I do care about...well, I mean nothing to that. It's like that quote Jon used. 'The ones that care don't matter, and the ones that matter don't care'. That's my life. Sad that the person he quoted that in the first place is the person who doesn't care.

And, why oh, why, do they all have to say they like me at the same time? And, more to the point...one of them is my friend's ex! In no realm of happing is that going to come into being. or even in the realms of nothing-ness...which, is impossible as nothing can be nothing...even a vortex. If something didn't actually exsist you wouldn't be able to occupy a vortex at all. Which is possible, and therefore there must be some stae of matter in formation.

This is so ridiculous...I can't even find the energy to be dispondent I'm so down right now...why am I so bloody unlucky? And, why the hell say 'yes' if you don't either understand/ mean it? It's so stupid, because all it does is cause more problems...
I'm so frustrated at people!
They should all go away! Why do people have to come into your life and then make things better, but then because they're there you end up feelingworse at times than you ever have before? Sometimes...part of me wishes I'd never ever met them...and then regrets thinking that, because I know I've never actually enjoyed life this much before.

I'm staying over at Rebecca's for a sleepover tomorrow. I guess I was kind of surprised...even though she is one of my best friends I was shocked when she suddenly said to me when we spoke for the first time in three weeks 'I miss you!!! :'(' I hadn't actually thought people ever missed me, let alone told me. But, you know...I was quite flattered. She met me the next day before my exam, and she gave me a present. Which i wasn't allowed to open until after but forgot to until 8pm anyways. It was a card. It had 'Just because I miss you' on the front and a picture of Alex Pettyfer and his six pack...it did quite cheer me up actually.

I really need a Haitian...well, not just a random one -that wouldn't do much good - I mean The Haitian...from Heroes. I'd love to forget...I'd love for all of this to just go away, to erase feelings would be such a perfect gift.

One thing that makes me think that maybe helping other people is worth something is this though:
[This is what Lewis sent to me after I'd been helping him sort things out]

'19:59Lewis
well thanks to u im happier
you helped me get the mali situation off my chest
you know, uve done more in a week than any person has done ever
so i guess what im saying is... thanks for beijng a great friend
its not just the mali thing, uve hlped me vent my emotions....
thanks xx'

I've never actually been thanked for anything like that before...and I guess that's why I help, to know that I can help make someone else's life even a little bit better, even if I can't make my own like that. That's what it's all for. There's not many things which compare to that. Suddenly you understand charity workers...except I'd never have patience enough with that. The people who affect your life are what matter. And, i guess no matter how much I may become tired of them, or even dislike them at times...I'll always feel bad if they're sad.
I think I might become a nun...I mean...Lucy and I had this conversation and we decided that it's either lesbians or nuns. But, you see...can't see the lesbian thing working...mostly because I think I may even be a misoginist :S to an extent. I know I think horrible things about women in general...hell, I don't even think of myself as a girl most of the time...maybe I'd make a better boy. But, then I'd be gay. I don't want to be gay...or a lesbian...or male. But, argggg.

Jamie is my hero! OMG! He's totalyl my hero! I explained what had been going on, and he said it sounded like the wrong idea had been taken...so that's quite good, right? Course it is :D
AND, Katie's visiting from New zealand in two weeks *yay!!!* she'll be here for the summer, but only has one afternoon free. She's coming to see me :D Gosh, I've missed her. She was my first best friend but moved to NZ eight years ago...we've kept in touch but only more recently. it's gonna be awesome. We're going shopping on the 1st of July. Yay!

I really want to go to watch Wimbledon.
I'd also love to go and see Phantom of The Opera in the West end...so much! I love POTO. Such a good book and music! <3

Hmmm...well, half-term is drawing to an equally anticlimactic close as it was through it's entirety. However, exams loom so it's obviously back to the hard graft...possibly. If I can be bothered to put in effort.
In any case, I am now the rpoud, though slightly frustrated owner of an iPod Touch...it's so awesome I'm almost too scared to touch it. I'm going to get a case for it like Jack...well, commanded me to this evening. I'll buy it in Kingston in the morning...then revise...ha. Or, at least attempt to.
The computer quite obviously hates me...so this is amazing 'fun'. :P
Moving on...I watched Shadow Man last night -starring Steven Seagal...awesome film! So good...though, somehow they forgot to mention nudity on the back of the box...but maybe strip clubs don't count :P plastic enough as it is.
Lots of lovely violence though. I enjoyed it.

My week was spent not doing very much...but...doing a lot too. Though my mother disagrees fully with that statement. I did do things over the holiday : I watched DVDs, played on the PS2, read, drew, walked, talked on the phone and 'revised'.
I've just been thinking...I really don't like my name, it annoys me. With all the 'S's and stuff...and it looks like a fat name. You know those names that just LOOK fat? Well, that's my name -literally. And, why are there threes all over my life. 31/03/1993 couldn't get many more in, could it?
God, you can tell I'm in a bad mood right now I bet. Anyway, I'd like to write for fanfics but 1) I lack the ability and 2) the time. Much like swimming, and Badminton, and everything else I enjoy.
I fail at it.

Going to bed. Fck Apple.