Our Song

Okay, since my last post...what has happened.
Well on the exams side..maths was easy as. Except the vectors thing...it was just impossible to work out how to prove. I failed that question. Haha. Erm...both Englishs were quite good and I think geogrpahy went well. I was literally the only person in the entire year to actually finish the Geography exam so I'm not too worried. I thought I had failed History but, it turns out the thing I couldn't remember and hoped my guess from vague memory was correct...well, it was correct. Luckily, my darling best friend Jack was able to assure me of that when i asked him what it was.
I think I epically failed Chemistry...I was almost crying in the exam and I have four exams left now.
Joy of joys.
I'm not too pleased about it all.
Or anything much right now.

Aside from exams...I...haven't done much of interest.
I suppose the only things I've really done is on Tuesday after English I went to Jon's house to revise, and I went to his after Chemistry on Thursday. Nothing else really.
He managed to get Basshunter's Jinglebells stuck in my head for the next two days.
And, I'm doing two pictures for him - a vampire and Basshunter :S I need to find out what Basshunter actually looks like though...

I think the song I'm listening to right now sums up a lot ' Human' - The Killers. I feel rather inhuman right now...I seem to have gotten to this point where...my emotions are all weird.
I don't care about much, and I spend my time trying to stop my other friends from commiting suicide, or slef-harming...or sorting their relationship problems. And, I guess like with Josh and Jamie helping them to get the girl. I mean, Fia acts as my gony Aunt, which I apologise for, although she is very good at it. But, you know...I guess sometimes I need an Agony Aunt too.
Much as Jon may offer, and I did moan a bit last night...it's really hard to tell him the stuff that bothers me. because I always doubt that he actually cares, and I know he can't help anyway.

I really wonder why I even bother with this most of the time...friends and stuff, I mean. Because much as I don't want to admit it the thing that upsets me the most is that I will always be second best, and the people I care about ALWAYS abandon me. My family don't like me too much either - my uncle always says stuff like 'are you sure you're smart enough to do that?' and my aunt by marriage always treats me like I don't understand anything. Or, that I'm four-years-old.
And, my mum keeps asking me what's wrong and it's not like I can tell her -because that would involve a lot of in depth explaining that goes beyond what I've been able to tell anyone. I can't even tell me best friend (B, not Jack this time) that I really do like our other friend and the fact that she tells me they have web sex and the exact details of the conversations between them...not to mention having to watch her flirting and have her dress in the shortest skirt imaginable that her mother says to her 'don't stand on any street corners' it really does upset me. It hurts. I wish it didn't, in fact I really wish I did like Graeme or something. And, as that stands, even he admitted he may like her. I don't mind, of course. I wish they liked each other and started dating, I'd make me happy to see them happy. But, it doesn't change the fact that I have to hear of all these things and she knows on some level that I like him. it's like she's constantly trying to say 'you're not good enough - he'd f*ck me before he'd ever notice you' and tbh, sometime I'm so tempted to just say to him 'go fck B, then you'll be happy'.
Of course, I'd never actually say that...however angry or tempted I may be to say it. Mostly because I guess I don't want him to admit that's what he'd love to do.
Ah, sh*t I don't want to think about that at all. It makes me feel physically sick to think about them...even as a couple...argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

How ironic that 'I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked' -Ida Maria just came on the shuffle...this is not amusing.
I feel so crap. I don't care about much, and what I do care about...well, I mean nothing to that. It's like that quote Jon used. 'The ones that care don't matter, and the ones that matter don't care'. That's my life. Sad that the person he quoted that in the first place is the person who doesn't care.

And, why oh, why, do they all have to say they like me at the same time? And, more to the point...one of them is my friend's ex! In no realm of happing is that going to come into being. or even in the realms of nothing-ness...which, is impossible as nothing can be nothing...even a vortex. If something didn't actually exsist you wouldn't be able to occupy a vortex at all. Which is possible, and therefore there must be some stae of matter in formation.

This is so ridiculous...I can't even find the energy to be dispondent I'm so down right now...why am I so bloody unlucky? And, why the hell say 'yes' if you don't either understand/ mean it? It's so stupid, because all it does is cause more problems...
I'm so frustrated at people!
They should all go away! Why do people have to come into your life and then make things better, but then because they're there you end up feelingworse at times than you ever have before? Sometimes...part of me wishes I'd never ever met them...and then regrets thinking that, because I know I've never actually enjoyed life this much before.

I'm staying over at Rebecca's for a sleepover tomorrow. I guess I was kind of surprised...even though she is one of my best friends I was shocked when she suddenly said to me when we spoke for the first time in three weeks 'I miss you!!! :'(' I hadn't actually thought people ever missed me, let alone told me. But, you know...I was quite flattered. She met me the next day before my exam, and she gave me a present. Which i wasn't allowed to open until after but forgot to until 8pm anyways. It was a card. It had 'Just because I miss you' on the front and a picture of Alex Pettyfer and his six pack...it did quite cheer me up actually.

I really need a Haitian...well, not just a random one -that wouldn't do much good - I mean The Haitian...from Heroes. I'd love to forget...I'd love for all of this to just go away, to erase feelings would be such a perfect gift.

One thing that makes me think that maybe helping other people is worth something is this though:
[This is what Lewis sent to me after I'd been helping him sort things out]

'19:59Lewis
well thanks to u im happier
you helped me get the mali situation off my chest
you know, uve done more in a week than any person has done ever
so i guess what im saying is... thanks for beijng a great friend
its not just the mali thing, uve hlped me vent my emotions....
thanks xx'

I've never actually been thanked for anything like that before...and I guess that's why I help, to know that I can help make someone else's life even a little bit better, even if I can't make my own like that. That's what it's all for. There's not many things which compare to that. Suddenly you understand charity workers...except I'd never have patience enough with that. The people who affect your life are what matter. And, i guess no matter how much I may become tired of them, or even dislike them at times...I'll always feel bad if they're sad.
I think I might become a nun...I mean...Lucy and I had this conversation and we decided that it's either lesbians or nuns. But, you see...can't see the lesbian thing working...mostly because I think I may even be a misoginist :S to an extent. I know I think horrible things about women in general...hell, I don't even think of myself as a girl most of the time...maybe I'd make a better boy. But, then I'd be gay. I don't want to be gay...or a lesbian...or male. But, argggg.

Jamie is my hero! OMG! He's totalyl my hero! I explained what had been going on, and he said it sounded like the wrong idea had been taken...so that's quite good, right? Course it is :D
AND, Katie's visiting from New zealand in two weeks *yay!!!* she'll be here for the summer, but only has one afternoon free. She's coming to see me :D Gosh, I've missed her. She was my first best friend but moved to NZ eight years ago...we've kept in touch but only more recently. it's gonna be awesome. We're going shopping on the 1st of July. Yay!

I really want to go to watch Wimbledon.
I'd also love to go and see Phantom of The Opera in the West end...so much! I love POTO. Such a good book and music! <3