My Hero Is You.

You know...life actually sucks so badly.
Even when I feel better about things it bloody doesn't fail to screw up again!
I really wish i understood why things make me feel this way, but I can't help it. It does. Why am I so horrible? Maybe I should just go and disappear somewhere...

Anyway, about going to see Fia in Twicks sometime this week. My mother said "But, those girls got killed around there...I'm not sure I think it'd be a good idea. You've never been there." Oh. Dear. Lord. I'm not going to get murdered! Sadly- for the rest of the world. But, I do have an exam on Wednesday and Tuesday...so it might be better to go to Kingston or something? We could go to Pattisserie Valarie? :) Yum -cake.

In other...boring news about my life: I have a Pirate hat and a cane. Which I was thrilled about...until my happiness dissolved about twleve hours ago and I can't seem to shake off this feeling of...unless-ness and that I can never be enough. Which is true, I've always known that...but, acknowledging something such as that is not the most pleasent of things. I obviously spend far too much of my time thinking. Though, thinking before I spoke would possibly come in rather handy once in a while. Why am I so flawed? In every way? Is it impossible for me to do something well for once? :(

I feel very bad right now...and I honestly wish life wasn't like this. I mean, why does it makes me feel so...worthless to be with my friends? It shouldn't, I should enjoy myself but quite truthfully I don't. Sometimes it's okay, but it's rare that I enjoy anything. I think I've lost the ability to see the good in things. I mean, when I was trying to stop Lewis from being silly about his life and such. Well, I managed to say things about life which I should believe.
He told me I was the person who stopped him from seeing all the bad things in his life and appreciate what he has, and their value. Why then, can I not manage that myself? Is it hypocritical to say things like that to him when i'm not sure even I believe them?
Most probably.

My laptop charger has gone missing somewhere so I shall spend my afternoon hunting for that, and I've written part of Chapter Two for The Road Ahead Is Long. It's true though, the road we walk is long...no matter what. Unless you get murdered or something. And, even then...life is full of things that make it terrible. Constantly.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Someone please tell me to get a grip! I shouldn't be allowed to think, it only ends badly...or to talk and write. I shouldn't be granted things such as a brain. I honestly don't deserve anything. Stupid friends! Why are they so nice to me? I treat people badly and they're still nice! Okay, I don't mean to treat them badly, but I feel that I do. I probably take them for granted. And, yet they still stick up for me and such. I don't understand it. I know I shouldn't want them to hate me...or to turn away...but, sometimes I just think that things would be so much better for them if they did. I don't want to be on my own, or whatever...but, at least if you don't have anyone they can't let you down. Time, and time again...

It just doesn't stop. It happens in the same way each time. They will leave me and I know that, and have done since I met them all. Sure, some of my friends have stayed friends with me for years and years...but, I've always worried that this particular group will just walk away. And, the amount of times I've been upset by things to do with them I wonder if it's worth all of this. I can't change myself...and yet I think they wish I would. I know I get told that no matter how mnay times they say it, they do like me and I just don't hear it. But, I do hear it. I do. I just don't trust it. Even if I do trust them beyond anyone else...I can't believe something like that. because I don't understand it. Xenophobia much? haha.

Not really...

Anyway, Jack's in Australia at the moment, for the next two weeks so that's cool. I'll get to hear all about it when he gets back :D and Katie's visiting from New Zealand in a few days. I believe she should be leaving in two days. And, then I'm meeting up with her on the first of July. Taking her around Kingston etc. It should be fun. I've missed her loads, haven't seen her for eight years!

I'm going to go and buy a Pepsi and drown my sorrows. It's not like there's anything better to do. I'm probably going to go and read my books for a while, and if I find the Charger then I will write some fanfiction. I feel sad right now. I don't feel like I have anything good going on for me.
Maybe I shouldn't bother with him anymore? I mean to say...he obviously likes her more. That much is probably true. May as well bow out gracefully. it's not like I can ever match up, is it? :(
Shame about Graeme though...I really do think she likes her.

I don't want to bloody give up though! Arg! stupid life! Stupid people! Why is it all so difficult?! Why can't I just say what I really think once in a while? Because what i think is stupid probably. Everything that comes out of my mouht is worthless and stupid. I can tell that no one actually gives a damn whether I'm around or not. And, who needs to be needed anyway? Pah.

Me. Actually...I really do. :'( I want a hug right now.
All my family seem to think is that I purposely try to be anti-social towards them etc. but seriously...I don't see anything in it. I'm just not interested. I've lost that. Wish I did get excited about things.

Stupid thing is, that no matter how many times I doubt them, or want to hate them...or they hurt me without realising. I always end up not being able to turn away from him. It's silyl and wretched, but it's true. And, he seriously does make me feel like I'm worth something...just occasionally. And that's the best it will ever get for someone as pessimistic as me.
Fia sorry if I went all blah on you...:S

Topping off everything -I'm on my third different type of hayfever medicine. And, it's about as affective as the other two. Unaffective. :(