See You Again.

Okay...life is hectic.
And, at least a few things are sorted now.
Yeah, not sure if I mentioned before (sorry) but, FIA GAVE ME A PICTURE OF THE HATIAN! Thank-you. :) I <3 it, it's awesome.
I think Miley Cyrus is quite talneted...oh dear. Fia will be annoyed.
Hmm...I find myself crying today rather a lot...but, i guess that's half understandable.
Jon and I had a 'talk' last night...it wasn't like 'I'm dumping you' kinda thing...but, God it was complicated. I'm trying to make sense of it...
Three months, eh? That seems like a long time...and nothing at all at the same time. Load of bloody good it does...why didn't I actually bother to do something sooner? I can't understand why I wasted that time. I'm so stupid.
But, I'm really thankful for my friends right now. Betzy, Jamie, Lucy, Jess, Rachel, Maryam and Fia have been amazing help. I really appreicate their advice etc. I'm very lucky to have such good friends.
I joined MEEBO today, because James wanted me too...kinda glad I did.
I feel a mixture of dispondent and happy today. I mean, okay...I know where I stand with Jon...finally. But, I aslo happen to be very confused about what exactly he meant about liable to end in three months. Okay, yes, he's going to uni...and I guess...there are several reasons he might have said it. Maybe once he gets to uni he just doesn't want to be tied down back home...? Probably...
I guess I won't know unless I ask...but, I'm too scared of the answer I'd get.
Just my luck that I do like him enough that...if he wanted to try, I would do long-distance. Maybe it's stupid of me to feel this way...but, I guess I seriously am a fool and can't help it. He means a lot to me.

I ended up explaining about Matt to Jamie tonight, Jamie now wants to murder him...which is problematic, but...maybe Matt deserves it? I'm not sure...okay, maybe he ws abusive as a boyfriend and other crap, but I don't think he's a bad person.

Awww, Betzy just called me a genius. How lovely...though misguided. Haha. So worried about my exam results...soooo terrified....:(
Back to my conversation with jon, randomly, and away from the time limit because I don't want to think about it...it makes me sad. :(
I asked him to 'prove' he liked me/ whatever...he didn't actualyl do anything in the end...but...really all I wanted was to be considered 'official'...like a relationship status kind of official. But, i guess he wouldn't see any point in that...but, it would make me feel like I actually meant something more than something that he just wanted to end in three months, go to uni and forget about. *sigh* I guess at least I know...that's something. In a way. No, of course it's *something* just, something that means less to him apparently. Oh, for God sake! I should just shoot myself, how depressing I sound!
Annoyingly 'You Raise Me Up' came on the shuffle...and I feel like crying now. Why is my iPod mostly love songs!? Do I have no respect for my own feelings? Do I want to make myself burst into tears???! No, I don't...but, I guess it helps to a degree.
Been feeling sick ALL day, and the past three days or so. :( I don't think i've had more than about four meals in the past four days. I feel kinda ill now too...arg. I'm going to have to go to bed.

Still cannot locate Laptop charger. Mobile hates me and fried my brain. Fell asleep listening to iPod earlier for three hours...very uncomfrotable sleeping position. Found out I have an awards ceremony on Friday and I'm supposed to be going to the cinema with Jonathan...drat. So, need to find out if I can get out of the ceremony...which I probably can knowing my skill and getting out of things. Also kinda hope he and Becca stop with the conversations...no matter how 'meaningless' they are...:/ makes me feel all funny. It might not be my thing, but that doesn't mean having a girlfriend and having conversations like that with her best friend is okay. Everyone agrees. Even the biggest male player I know. It...it's just not. But, I suppose if i mean very little that could be why. :(

Feel like crying again. Damn life. You get what you want most, and then you realise that soon that's going to be taken away. And, much as it pains me...I can't NOT take the time I'm getting. because I'm obviously a masochist or something...glutton for punishment etc.
Twilight quote comes to mind! :O dear Lord! When Twilight is in my mind it can't be good. But, it does ring true of that quote.

I bought a new book today...so I'll have something to distract me, I guess. Jack's in Australia so I can't tell him what's going on! And, I can't talk to Becca about this. Come to think of it...I wonder how he knew we had to talk about Becca. I cant think she would tell him? Or, maybe she would...she keeps surprising me with what she'll say and do. Or...maybe he's a mind reader...? :S But, it that were true, than unless he actually wanted to upset me he'd know what to say. It's just occured to me that I suppose there is the smallest of possiblities he's read my blog...but, I sure as hell hope not. FanFiction was bad embarrassing enough...
Can't actually think how else he would know...oh dear.
(looks above) Hmm...actually...can't be F****** to get rid of it. Might do people some good to know the truth for once. After all, if you can't say something over a chatbar/ face-to-face...it's better to be able to say them with the chance that someone will find out. I don't even have to say anything that's hard, just write what's truthful. And, I can't be bothered to keep what I actually think wrapped up inside all the time. It's so pointless to live like that. But, I don't have the confidence to say what I'd like in person...or in normal life. So, I'll rant to no one...or Fia...but, least she can't tell me off for my pessimism. I'm sorry I'm so pessimistic, just feelng down today, Fia. I promise to try my best these next three months.
If...if I have to...I'll just have to show him that I might be worth long-distance. I'm probably not, but I can at least try, there's no harm to come from it.
I need a hug right now. I haven't seen anyone in ages...okay, last saturday...still...

Failed an IT module again today, though I can't say I'm surprised, I was so distracted today. I am surprised that my mother hasn't noticed though. usually she knows when i'm upset about something, but this time she doesn't seem to have noticed. Though...pretty sure (okay, certain) she's catching on to what's going on. I can't tell her though...she wouldn't understand.
She was right about one thing though. Peopel flirt for a reson, even if it's just to see how far they can get away with. It never means nothing...even if it's not in that way.
Should do more work on Jon's pics, but I can't find the spirit...anyway I'll probably just start crying my bloody eyes and over it. Anyway, I'm not really talanted enough...:( at anything.
Why couldn't I be different?

I want to mean something for once...
I need to do something constructive! Like go to work! or, get some sleep. Yeah, I should sleep as I have to get up at seven...
I need to get a grip. I'm so pathetic sometimes. Okay, fine...my 'boyfriend' who...doesn't really seem to see me like that, honestly, is going to uni in three months and doesn't seem to think it's possible to carry on once he's there. Possibly because he wants to get out and meet uni girls...(probably) and who the hell would want some sixteen year old back home tying them down? FFS. Why am I unlucky?
I don't think he even gets that I like him sometimes...or even likes me like that. I don't know! I just remember that I asked him wh ythe person I liked didn't like me back...a while ago and he said 'I honestly don't know' as I was meaning him...either he's an idiot and thinks I meant someone else...or I don't mean anything like that to him.
I guess I'll have to ask him I shall go insane...
Lucy says he's lucky to have me (pah) I can't say I agree with her, but I thought the comment was sweet. And Jamie says I'm the type of girl who's a 'keeper' apparently...guess not everyone would think so...

Oh yeah. Fia told me Livvi's been reading my blog. I really hope she doesn't think i'm norally this bad at writing/ spelling/ typing...and angsty. I'm not. Okay, maybe a little angsty but I write what's coming into my head at the time. Sadly I always seem to be worrried about this kind of thing when I blog. Anyway, Hello, Livvi :)

I need sleep now.
But, before I go...I had a weird dream yesterday. it weas about buses.Yeah, buses :P
Hannah and I were trying to get this bus to somewhere, but they were all 85s (even though we were in an area which is the 213 bus route and not the 85) or 57s and 131s. All in an area they shouldn't be. hannah was also miles away from her house. And, then...basically...we missed this bus too. And, then it was like we realised that were we were going didn't exist, or the bus we needed wasn't real/ went there.
I asked my mum about it ( as dreams reflect our subconcious thought etc) and she said it meant that I was worried that I was going to wrong was/ wasn't taking the right path/ worried about where I was going, but I was going to right way anyway. I'm not sure what that reflects onto my current situations...because does that mean things will work out as they work out and I should just see? I guess some part of me wondered why he almost gave me an option out...and if maybe, if he felt that way, I should have taken it. But, to be honest, when I think about it...it'd hurt a lot more to do that right now. Than to see what happens. If only things were'nt so difficult. I don't think anything is ever simple with me.

At least I didn't have Lewis telling me Jonathan doesn't care about me for a few hours today...because it really doesn't make me feel great...but, lewis is Lewis and he is but all he can be and I accept him for his honesty and who he is.
I...god I feel completely lost right now. This is so damn confusing for me. I should not be allowed to think. I mull things over FAR too much. Why can't I just forget and have a good time?
Life's going to suck next school year. Seriously badly.
Life is the most complicated thing ever...and, yes, scientifically proven too :P by the fact that we never understand everything.

'She looked in the mirror, and thought today what happened to miss no longer afraid? It took some time for her see, how beautiful life could truly be. No more talk of what can never be.'
I'm listening to this now...maybe I need to understand this? or, to some degree, try and forget what I obviously can't change. Damn...now it's 'I Think I'd Be Perfect For You'...drat.
Switched songs...proof that my life is out to get me? 'Ain't No other Man' !!!!!!! ARG! Might be true, but why me?!
Okay, better 'Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking her Clothes Off.' though...somehow it reminds me of shopping on Saturday. Okay, that's it. I'm doomed. To a life of alone-ness and meh. Can life be made of 'meh'? Why am I saying 'meh'? Stupid word.
Can't Speak French...
Hmmm.
And, Adeui.