'It Hurts Too Much' -Broken Strings

Not much time to write but, very bad past couple of days.
Been feeling sick constantly, and can't manage any food. Even then, it's not an ill kinda sick, it's an emotional kinda sick feeling. Whenever I think about what's going on, it feels like my insides are curling up, and there's this empty feeling in my heart and I just feel terrible.
Very torn over things at the moment.
Barely anyone seems to be talking to me at the moment...not that they're not talking to me...though, I have gone into solitude mode at the moment. I just, no one's hugged me since the holidays. I feel really...unwanted I guess.
Thinking about it, I've never fitted into groups, even the one group that meant something to me. And, what did I fucking manage to do to that? Become hated. Didn't even mean any of this to happen, but, I can tell that they do blame me for it. I blame me for it, and I didn't intenetionally do anything. But, the issue comes up with, whould I lie and apologise just for the sake of everyone else, or forget it all?

Some days I really wish I'd never met any of them, but, then i realise that I love my friends. I really do, I don't know what I'd do without Sarah, Catherine, Alison, Jonathan and Becca...but, I doubt it'd matter the other way around. I know I've been over, and over these things a million times in my head...trying to sort out this, tell myself they'd have gone by now if that hated me but, from experience and example, i can see that's hardly very telling.

What makes it worse is that I feel bad for everyone losing connection to one another. And, quite honestly, although I wouldn't go near friendship or any type of association with her with a barge pole, I'm sad that Heather didn't get what she wanted. Because, much as I can't say I like the girl, I don't like knowing people are sad...and that even if it wasn't my fault that they blame me. Well, just in general it's hard to see people sad, no matter your differences, how much they hate you, you hate them, who they are. Anything, I just find it pianful to see them upset.

And, I suppose the really telling thing with if the others do blame me for everything, and hold some type of grude, is when i went to that service. When Jonathan told me I should have warned her - what did he fucking expect me to do? Sent her a formal letter? It really hurt knowing that , although I undertsand they all grew up together, and have been friends long and I was just an add-on of heather's...that they do feel so very little.

Life is so crappy. Managed to look a fool, but, hey what's unsual these days about that?
Totally screwed things up with all of my friends, don't think they even want to talk to me anymore...and who can blame them...it was just that the only reason i even said those things to jon was because of my conversation with James. James L says he accepts all that I've said, and doesn't believe the stuff I said, when i mentioned that I don't overly feel accepted he suggested I tell someone else. i was feeling shitty anyway, so I told Jon. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I should just have gone on pretending, being fake- it'd get further if I did. But, I can't hold out like that.
Tim keeps telling me that I haven't ruined things with my friends, but, he doesn't talk to them...it feels like they don't want to talk to me.

I've decided to get rid of/ stop wearing the shag bands. Because, originally, it was mine and Becca's thing. Then Jonathan got himself involved by buying some, but that was fine...i guess. Now it's just become this thing, where I feel left out...once again.
I'm re-considering breaking off, I keep thining it might be better...but I can;t manage it...

Supposed to be going to see Fast and Furious on saturday...I don't think I want to go anymore. i mean, yeah, i want to go...Fast and Furious is awesome. But, I don't think I could deal with false kindness from him...or, to be honest...the dislike that I feel is always just under the surface.
It doesn't stop me from wanting to go though...which just makes things worse. Because, all of this just confuses me...and I feel sick when I think about it.
Just, seriously, for once, I don't want to screw everything up...

I'm going to bed now, because if I don't I'll start feeling sick again.
Wishing I was someone different won't make me a better person, but, whenever I try I always make things worse.
Next worse thing is that I'm pretty sure part of him thinks I'm a lesbian...which may have been a joke, and my idea...but, I am slightly depressed someone would think that of me.
Argggggggggggggggggggggggg.
He'll probably cancel, knowing him. Not that I want that to happen, but, you know...who'd go anywhere with just me? I'd shoot myself. I should shut-up now...and hope that only Fia reads it. Or I'm kinda digging my grave and nailing my coffin with my own stupid words. *sigh*
Apologies for my swearing...it has not been a good day.
Dealine is the week after my exams finish...Lizzie worked it out...how readable am I?

The...almost unfinished and confusingly stupid end. Without looking back for typos etc. so-sorry.