The Only Blog Without A Song Name

Well, I can't remember much of what's happened since I last blogged...but, here's what I can:
Pretty much, I had one of the worst days of my entire like (in all honesty) on Tuesday.
I'm not going to go into more detailthan that, really...but, it was a painful day, let it be said...and one that is still upsetting me.
I...want to cry, for some reason, even though things turned out as i wanted them to, but I can't. I don't know what makes me want to cry...but, I'll be honest and say I feel very alone right now.
And, he's not around to talk to even if I could manage to say what's worrying me. I feel so bad for making things harder for him...but I'm seflish like that.
I really need a hug, actually...:( or to talk to them for a little while.
This is so ridiculous...but it hurt so much at the time...that it didn't feel real, and although that has been resolved it feels like he's avoiding me, almost...D: and I miss him.
As if you could think that this that was what I'd be okay with.
I'm selfish and I hate to be, but I am.
and I can't even be mad at you for any of it.
Even if it hurts, I really can't find a way to be...
In fact I want to apologise to you, how derranged is that? It's so stupid, but I do...and I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that I've made things worse for you, and that I've fucked everything up. And for making you worry about things. I didn't mean to, and still don't.

I'm so confused right now, but, hatever happens, I stick by what I said...and what I've thought. I can't be mad at you, I don' want you out of my life and it's so painful...because I don't understand why.

" I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. " - '10 Things I hate About You'

New Divide

Ah, well, as I promised Fia an update last night. It was quite scary actually, I said I would just before she asked me...like I'd read her mind. Sometimes, I do scary things like that :P and read people's minds haha. That would be so awesome! I wish I could read minds.
I've been listening to Rise Against's album, which I bought for Jonathan but burned to the computer first, and it's totally awesome!
I love the song 'Injection' such a good song!
Anyways, what did I do today?
I had a free period in the morning, so Sophie, Louise and I bussed to Costa. Sophie and I had Hot chocolates with whipped cream, and Louise had tea. :) It was nice, but we were almost late back.
Then I had maths, which was okay, Ivan gave me Pocky, which Natalie had given him, so that was awesome.
I have to admit that I feel sorry for ivan because he knew I was still upset from last night and just spent all lesson in silence looking like I was going to start crying...
Arg, I feel ill...will finish this later.

I Gotta Feeling

Right...so...after seeing James and Jon once I got home...hmm.
On Sunday the 6th I met up with Fia :D
I gave her her GDL autograph and then we got Shake Away, which was yummy.
Then we went and sat down by the side of the river and listened to my ipod, Labyrinth soundtrack and watched the wave and a balloon floating down it. We then decided that a giant starfish lives in the thames (after discussing sea-creature horror films) and that they have rubber duck minons, the balloon belongs to them and they fell in love with a tree...who, was a tree and didn't love them back...being a tree and all.
Then we realised we were sitting on tar, oily stuff which we had thought wasn't sticky but was...and I have black lines on the backs on the knees on my skinnies. Haha.

Anyway, we hung out for ages and I subjected Fia to my music taste for a while...she doesn't like BoysLikeGirls...shame :( or BassHunter... etc lol.
I also saw Sammii and Dizzy in Kingston, who walled down to me from a floor above in the bentall centre and I couldn't work out where it was coming from...so much so that I had begun wondering if it was God suddenly showing himself...with a girl's voice...:/
Anyway, then Sammii told me that she's dating my friend David Pike, which is awesome, 'cause David's rather awesome and has an awesome coat haha.
I also saw Georgia and Tom and i didn't really expect her to have a chat with me as she was with her boyfriend but she stopped me and started chatting ( personally, i think it was just because she wanted to tell me she'd been scouted for a dance group in America while on holiday during the summer). But, anyway, it was nice to see her.
Saw some other people too, but can't remember who exactly.

Then on Tuesday 8th Jonathan and I went to visit Catherine (and Alison as she was there too.)
Also for human petting zoo for Jonathan to meet my friends. He met Leila, Carys and Ivan. He told Leila what a Rainbow party was...which is not what I wanted her to know and seems to like her...as he complimented her on my note while I was away...shame he never compliments me so quickly...and even then it's rarely :(
But, anyway, he also said he thought I should be Orange (Rainbow party colour) for no apparent reason...and then when I asked 'even if it wasn't you?' he said 'No, I don't really get jealous.' Which, actually really worried me...to be honest. Because, one, he can't think much of me if he thinks I'd do that, or just doesn't find me attractive so would rather I was off with someone else. Added to that, if he was condoning that, wtf does he think is okay for him?
So, I can't even ask him because bringing it up would be hard for me...and I don't want to hear that what I just expressed above is true :'( but it's worrying me.

Um...yeah, then that night he went away to kent for three days, and I then went away for the weekend, so only got back on Monday morning.
My mum was at work and I couldn't get hold of her so I ended up at the malden centre...and Jon turned out to be working, which...I didn't really realise :( apprently he noticed me, but, I also left before he got off work...
He thought I might have come to see him, which I hadn't...but, to be honest, I'd be interested to know if he'd even have wanted me to come and see him.
Anyway, then the next day I asked him to meet up, 'cause I wanted to see him, I guess. And it happened to be raining a lot so he told me to come over to his.
I look kind of drowned when i got there, tbh, and ended up being made to wearhis fleece 'cause i was shivering. I got to watch Interview With The Vampire, which was quite good, but not that great. I prefer the book as of the moment.
I subtly asked my mum if I'd be allowed to watch IWTV some time and she said no because I'd find it scary...well, now i just won't tell her I've seen it, but I didn't find it scary, really. Little sad though, I almost cried. Which is something when in front of people, because I can usually stop myself.
Anyway, he made me go home wearing his jumper lol.

Um...so, it's Thursday and I saw him for a little while today, he met me outside school and we walked into kingston, but he was meeting his sisters, so, he went off and I was meeting my mum. Though, I don't think he told his sisters he'd seen me because we saw the three of them and they looked surprised to see me, and he gave me a look I can't quite define...half like 'help me' and...I dunno...I don't know if he was pleased to see me or not to be honest :(
Anyway, I shall see him tomorrow and apparently have to address the one thing that's been on my mind for ages...but how I bring it up, I don't know...*sigh*
I really hope he never reads my blog.

You're All I Need

Since my last update, well, a lot has happened, I suppose.
Had the heroes marathon, which was really good...I had fun. I've decided that, yes, I am addicted to cuddles. >< And, that...the most terrifying thing in the world is sleeping in Imogen's room...with the scary, loud, ticking clock...the echoes...
Eep. I was so scared, all on my own. But, like I would tell him that...ever.
Hope he doesn't ever read that. I also hope he didn't get bored of me in the two days we spent together.

Anyway, then I had results day on the 27th. I don't want to think about it...
But I got my subjects and dropped off the Assassin's Creed walkthrough books for Jonathan.
Um...then I went away for six days. I did very little. I played FFXII mostly.

I'm still low on muse for fanfiction too.

Um...then i came home, and on Wednesday I saw James and Jonathan in Kingston. Not reandomly, we arranged to meet up before James left for univeristy( which happened to be today, btw). Um, yes, I enjoyed myself...Jonathan bought me a book (yay *worship*) and we went round Kingston for a few hours. I accidentally went home with his hoodie and he with my DVDs (yay for hoodies) and we met up on friday to get each back.
That was my first day of sixth form too. So, it was bit weird. But, OMG I want to steal his hoodie...>< haha. He actually asked me if i did what bella does in twilight and slept with his hoodie, which was...weird...I guess. Because, I left it on top of my bag in the hallway once I got home. But, everyone said I should have...but, I personally...find that a little creepy...I guess? Anyway, I always worry he'll think i'm clingy...and in my opinion that is clingy...plus, why sleep with someone's jumper? I don't understand...:/

Anyway, we went to the park and just hung out...I really enjoyed myself that day actually...
I don't know what it is, but, he changes quite easily to me...
Sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed away and he doesn't want me there, and other times he really does seem to enjoy my company. I get so confused *sigh*
Oh well. Either way, I always enjoy his company...
Anyway, I'm off to Wales now, so I'll fill in the rest when i get back on Monday.

Postcards, Postcards, Postcards.

Ah, well, it's been ages since I updated my blog. I just couldn't get around to it before.
I can't remember everything that's ahppened recently but, I went away to tenby last month for a week, which was nice. I did lots of surfing and made a new friend called Sian.
Well, anyway, since then, I've been back and forth between Wales and England quite a lot.
I've been able to meet up with Jack, which is very nice, as sometimes we can go up to six months without seeing each other.

I went to the Gareth David - Lloyd signing in Cardiff with Jack on the 18th of August, which was fun, but, mad and Jack is totally in love with GDL. Which is cute and slightly creepy at times.
But, nevertheless, lovely friend that I am (hah) I got autogrpahs for Fia, Alison and Carys. Anna is miffed with me because I forgot her, but I bought her an un-personalised signed copy (which costed a lot) so she better be pleased come Christmas!

Um...I've been up to London with my mum a few times, whihc has been really nice. I went to Forbidden Planet for the first time, it's actualyl so awesome there! There are so many comics downstairs, I feel like I want to just buy the entire shop! I got Furuba 23, because I just needed to know what happened at the end, then borrowed 22 from Anna. yesterday I sat down and read them, after re-reading 21. I cried so much. Seriously, I'm such a cry-baby. It was so...lovely, really. I know that sounds awfully silly of me, but, the idea of sucha thing happening is beyond my faith in humans. It's too beautiful and perfect, which is why it's so sad. It hurts knowing that, it's unlikely that things like that will ever happen.

I didn't like the very end though, showing Kyo and Tohru as old people...it...ruined it for me. Because, then i started thinking about all of them dying, and how I didn't want to know the end end of their story...just to know that it would be okay. I like Akito, Akito is awesome. Even if she was a total bitch for 20/ 23 volumes.

Anyway, as I was away I sent postcards to quite a few of my friends, and lovely that they are (well, three of them are) i got postcards back when they went away :D
One from Anna in Newcastle, one from James in Edinburough, and one from Alison and Catherine in the Norfolk Broads. James has beautiful handwriting...it's scarily pretty haha.
And, Anna addressed hers to 'Frankie Da Philmeister',which made me headdesk.

Over the holidays i've readthe entire Night Watch trilogy, which was excellent, and I'm planning to read the follow up soon. I finished City of Glass, the last Last Mortal Instruments book, which was lovely. Why do they always end with a happily-ever-after? I mean, I'm not complaining (much) but, whyalways end a story with a perfect relationship, true love and all? It's so...unlikely! And, it annoys me, because...the whole thing is, you *want* it to be the type o thing that happens...but, that's not the way life is.
I also read Fragile Eternity, the third Wicked Lovely book, which was interesting but not as good as the previous two. There was too much stuff like New Moon! But, Seth is awesome...and so is Niall and Keenan (even if he is a total bastard).

Oh, I love this song! Futatsu No Kdou to Akai Tsumi- On/ Off (Vampire Knight) it's a lovely song...it makes me smile every time, and I don't know why...it's actually pretty depressing (the lyrics).
Haha, weird...

Anyway, what else has happened...
I saw my friend Bejal who was visiting from Dubai, and will be back at Christmas, so I'm looking forward to that. 'Cause Toby and I didn't get to catch up, sadly. (Toby's her twin).
I'm seeing Lewis for coffee tomorrow and then Laura for lunch. So, that should be fun, and then on Tuesday Jonathan and I are having a Heroes marathon. Which...should be fun...

The most stupid thing at the moment, is that loads of people from my scho9ol keep greeting my on face book like this:
'Hey, :D How's the boyfriend?' , or, 'Hiya, you still with Hancock?' and several different variations of this. The thing is...the people who are asking me, are not people who should know! I have, however, worked out that, most of them know his sisters quite well...:/

Um, today I had to mediate a scarily de ja vu argument between Kerry-Anne and Karyn. It was almost exactly like what happened when heather and I stopped being friends...down to ending up with a mediater between the two( though, rather than it being Jonathan, of course, in this case, it was me). The stupid thing is, kerry was being so immature! There was nothing that Karyn had done, I could see that, even impartially, and she was convinced that ignoring Karyn and deleting her from her Facebook was 'mature' pah. Bullshit. It wasn't. Then she had a go at me for telling her she was being unfair to Karyn, because, well she was. Karyn's lost her mum and all of that, so how does she deserve to have more things go wrong for her? ARG!

I have found a liking for Paramore and Linkin Park, I'm practically addicted to them. I went on for five days with 'In Pieces' bu Linkin Park on repeat. *sigh* I wasn't sure why...but, I have worked it out now, or more, Jonathan did before I did. Eurgh. I'm so stupid sometimes.

And, the other bloody stupid thing is, that Becca still seems to be trying to make me feel bad for some reason. I spoke to her today, and, she basically said she was still miffed with me for not telling her I was going out with him for a whole month. I mean, she was the first person that i actually told! (Aside from James, but James was kinda the one who got me to ask in the first place). Anyway, so I went to say 'well, I'll make sure to tell you immediately next time' got to the next time bit, and then was kinda like 'well...er'...because, silly that I am, if I think of things as doomed it really makes me feel like crap. And, she went 'Well, there probably will be a next time' and I went 'Er...yeah, but...not in the next month at least, I hope'.
And, you know what? She said something very quietly, which she then refused to tell me what it was, or repeat and said it wasn't important and then said she was tired and had to go. Thing is, I swear she said 'I wouldn't be so sure about that.' and, because I'm the way I am, it made me wonder if he'd said something...and, I know I'm a complete weirdo and stuff...but, it hurt. Because, well, after everything and feeling rubbish about things and stuff, I was actually feeling really good these past two weeks or so. Yet, somehow...as soon as she gets back and I talk to her...that doubt appeared again. I don't understand.

I wonder if any of that makes sense, but, you know, it got me very confused.
Oh, f*ck I wish I'd shut up. I need to shoot myself one of these days.

But, anyway, I watched this film called 'Awake' with hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba last night, it was supposedly Psycological horror...psh. It wasn't scary in the least bit! I actually expected something, because I'm a fraidy cat, but it was such a wimpy horror film, to be honest. It didn't even scare me a tiny bit.
Then I watched Just my Luck, which again, makes me feel bleh.

You know, I am very suspicious at this moment in time...
Mostly, it's because of something that Jonathan said on Thursday, and this isn't a self-doubt thing...this is just...normal stuff.
He mentioned my blog...and said about how I only updated it when Fia nagged me. Well, when I asked him how he knew that...he said 'I can read you mind' and I never did get it out of him, but, as i've said before, I believe...I have this niggling idea that he's read my blog himself. Because, honestly, how else would he have known about Becca being a problem the first time, and about how Fia has to nag me to update? I've only mentioned them on my blog, and to no-one else...and when I didn't tell him what happened when becca and I argued, I know he must have known exactly what happened and Becca didn't tell him.
Therefore, I now plan to be very careful what I mention in my blog, and yes, I mentioned the conversation for a reason...because it was bothering me and writing it down makes it go away.

It would be cool if he could read minds though...haha.
Then again, if he'd read my blog he'd have known--actually, not going there. haha.
I'm not sure if I want to see Becca quite yet...but I've promised to go up to Guildford with her, ice skating, which I'd love to do...it's just that it's hard to not come away feeling bad about myself...which is silly.

I'm working on some Fanfiction at the moment...but it's not going very quickly for once. I think I'm experiencing what it's like to have no ideas! I don't like it!!!!!!
I think I need a hug, and to go to bed soon...haha.
Arg, now I'm listening to 'can You Feel the Love Tonight ?'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARG! Bleh! Eurgh! and Meh!

I'll miss him when he goes to university...I'll miss all my friends that go to university. It'll be sad to see then go.

But, nevertheless, I'm okay, Kevin's been cheering me up a bit and talking about paradoxes of information and stuff, which is nice. I'll have a nice time tomorrow and just try to forget what she said.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now, I feel a little ill :(

Love You More.

I had such a good day today! Well, not the best, but, good.
I went into school in order to take my last Module (E) and I passed with 80%!!! Which means I have finished! Done! Finito! En fin! Termina! Etc. You get the idea.
Before I took the exam, as requested, I went to talk to Mister. Peters about the accident. That was fine, Mister Peters is such a lovely guy.
Then I went into New Malden to go and buy myself a drink, and then walked back to meet Marika, Lauren and Katie. We walked into Kingston. Mii-chan and I got the bus, and then we met Dizzy and sammii. We got McDonald's (chips) and then we went to meet Nico. Nico's cool, I like him :) he's very funny, and smart and we got along very well.
I stayed out 'till 8pm lol!!!
Anyway, seeing Marika, Katie and Lauren tomorrow, we're going to go and play DDR and Marika's going to give me Ancafe music. :D <3 yaya

I'm pleased, because Jonathan sent us a group thread message which was longer than three lines. He misses us, well, I'm not sure exactly who he was talking to...it was kind of ambiguous really, but, at least if he meant all of us, I am icluded in that :D
Oh well, I'm going away tomorrow so, that should be good. I think ¬_¬
Damn I miss that boy - fool that I am.
Lauren and Marika (who have seen me with him) say we look cute together, like really cute, which was both embarrasing and nice to hear. :)
Well, I'm off now. Farewell!

Anything But Ordinary.

Right...it's been a while. Last blogged on Wednesday.
Welll, It's been hectic. I forgot to emntion the other day that, one, I passed module five with 87 percent :D yay! Only module E left now. And, when I saw Jack last Saturday we had a lot of fun. We sat around playing on his Mac and watching funny movies in five seconds videos on Youtube. then we played on his iPod Touch, and his younger sister, Amy had a little chat with me and was shooed by Jack ahaha. Then we went into the dining room and Jack played the piano for a while, which is my new message alert ( Jack playing Doomsday on the piano) it's so pretty. And, he can play...'Bad Day' which we sang along to.
Then we decided to go out for lunch so we walked down to Penarth and had lunch at the Oucho Club. It was so expenive haha, but, it was also hilarious because Jack wanted to hear all about the sleepover, and he said that we sounded worse than his friends were.

Then he told me all about this girl he hates at school who's really two-faced etc, and we planned what would happen when I meet her...it was rather evil, as usaul. Then we talked about introducing me to Kirsty when i'm down in Wales next, apparently she wants to meet me, which is lovely but kinda scary.I get so scared of new people.
Anyway, then we walked back to his house, Sophie (his older sister who goes to Oxford) came and said hi, and his mum came home and said hello and asked how I was etc. Then Jackand I were going to play Guitar Hero but his grandparents were in the living room watching the television sowe deicded to go up to his room instead.
He told me all about their hallowe'en party last year and his plan for the next one, which was hilarious and kinda creepy and he threw a severed foot at me when we were messing around. We decided to play board games, one was this one about little caniballs and I got eaten all the time...i basically lost four times. Then we thought we'd play Cluedo SFX, which involved us getting it out of the cupboard and the cupboard collapsing on us, but then we sat down on his bedroom floor and played the game. His dad came in to see what was going on because of the noise, and asked me how I was etc. Then obth his sisters came in at different times to find out what the noise was. Amy stayed a while and watched my hand to see if I was winning. I lost two games then we gave up playing.

So, we started playing articulate, which is an incredibly funny game if you haven't played it, I recommend it. At one point Jack ended up having to describe a word and our conversation went like this:
Jack: 'kay, you get like this when you're not getting any.
Me: Horny?
Jack: *roll eyes* No.
Me: Bored?
Jack: No!
Me: Not getting what, by the way?
Jack: *cough*
Me: I was right. Desperate?
Jack: Yep.

This is our type of conversation. there was also another that was rather funny:
Jack: It's a fruit, and it's purple
Me: A carrot?
Jack, Purple...and a fruit and you got carrot?!
Me: Let's not get technical.
Jack: I get they're purple...but...

Then of course there was when I got the word 'stradle' which was impossible to describe (as I didn't think, like riding a horse...shows how in the gutter my mind is) without sounding incredibly wrong.

The best one though, had to be one that I was describing to Jack, it was a person and this is what happened.
Me: Religion.
Jack: Um...
Me: it's...it's the guy with the china, and tibet and the religion thingy.
Jack: Dali Lama.
Me: Yep.

Another good one was Jack's: He lives in the Vetigan and wears a big hat.
Me: the Pope.

It really is a great game. Also, Jack has concluded that my mind is worse than his simply because I was looking around his room, mentioned his duvet and said about playing twister. His Duvet had the twister board on it...I think i commented about playing Twister like that...haha, he got what I meant. >__<>__<>__< haha.

Oh, right, I almost forgot - Torchwood. Well, in short : OMFG, NO!
Ianto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to send instant coffee packets like Jack to BBC Wales. lol. Overall, the series was well written and emotionally connective. It addressed many issues concerning the human nature, natural selection and self-preservation. it asked questions about government that probably should be asked and questioned what's for our protection or not. It also looked into loss and sacrifice. One thing I wonder is why frobochure had to die, though, as in the end they are all saved I admit it looked like they wouldn't be. However, the ending of the series was pretty bleak and I agree with what fia said I thought the same. Torchwood seems wrapped up. However, I can see the possiblity of Gwen, Rhys and Lois working in Torchwood again. There is still a rift in Cardiff, after all. My opinion is that (because, yes, Fia, jack is in the next series of Doctor Who) wherever he's beamed himself to Jack will fortuitously meet with the doctor just in time to have to battle some force threatening some form of civilization or collection of persons. This will then show Jack that what he does best is save people, prompting angst and some form of moving pep talk from the Doctor where jack will then realise he cannot run away. Then he should go back to earth and see Gwen and Rhys' baby, it will be a boy and name Ianto probably. Jack will visit Ianto's graveand possibly he will go and silently do something for his daughter, Alice.
This is the way it should be.

Unless they find a way to bring back Ianto, then he should be brought back and this would be the only difference.

Sunday today, nothing much of interest took place. I'm going to see Marika tomorrow, as I'm leaving for holidays on tuesday and sadly miss her leaving party and get back the day AFTER she leave for Japan.
I got the Vampire speical of SFX magazine. it's awesome. It had the top fifty vampires of screen and television. Guess who won? Oh yeah - Spike, as portrayed by james Marsters!!!!! Hell, yeah! He's awesome.
I have realised three things about myself while reading the magazine though:
I have three main fetishes.
-Voices. As in, if someone has a nice voice I am totaly in love haha, well, not exactly. But, still.
-Vampires
-Blond hair, peroxide blond or not.
I've also realised that I'm addicted to hugs, and that nice boys with a hint of bad boy, or bad boys who are really complete sweethearts are the way to go for me. usually good boys though...Mathew is a prime example of bad judgement on my part before and I'd never go out with someone like him again.
Lucky really - 'cause what I have is kinda perfect to me. Not that I'd tell him - it would swell his ego far too much for his own good. Anyway, I'm lucky, and deep down I am happy but I worry too much, I think part of me thinks I don't deserve this and is trying to find something wrong with it. :'( But, awww, gosh, he's so cute...haha. Darn it, he really is.
Spoke to Karyn today, I think I may be able to persuade her to come and re-take her GCSEs.
That's it for now.
I have the Star Trek and Labyrinth Soundtracks - they're awesome. :D
Going to see toby and Bejal when they're in England. Bejal gave me their number so that when I get back from hols I can ring them and then we can arrange meeting up. I'd quite like to introduce them to my friends...:)

Long life and prosperity.