The Only Blog Without A Song Name

Well, I can't remember much of what's happened since I last blogged...but, here's what I can:
Pretty much, I had one of the worst days of my entire like (in all honesty) on Tuesday.
I'm not going to go into more detailthan that, really...but, it was a painful day, let it be said...and one that is still upsetting me.
I...want to cry, for some reason, even though things turned out as i wanted them to, but I can't. I don't know what makes me want to cry...but, I'll be honest and say I feel very alone right now.
And, he's not around to talk to even if I could manage to say what's worrying me. I feel so bad for making things harder for him...but I'm seflish like that.
I really need a hug, actually...:( or to talk to them for a little while.
This is so ridiculous...but it hurt so much at the time...that it didn't feel real, and although that has been resolved it feels like he's avoiding me, almost...D: and I miss him.
As if you could think that this that was what I'd be okay with.
I'm selfish and I hate to be, but I am.
and I can't even be mad at you for any of it.
Even if it hurts, I really can't find a way to be...
In fact I want to apologise to you, how derranged is that? It's so stupid, but I do...and I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry that I've made things worse for you, and that I've fucked everything up. And for making you worry about things. I didn't mean to, and still don't.

I'm so confused right now, but, hatever happens, I stick by what I said...and what I've thought. I can't be mad at you, I don' want you out of my life and it's so painful...because I don't understand why.

" I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. " - '10 Things I hate About You'

New Divide

Ah, well, as I promised Fia an update last night. It was quite scary actually, I said I would just before she asked me...like I'd read her mind. Sometimes, I do scary things like that :P and read people's minds haha. That would be so awesome! I wish I could read minds.
I've been listening to Rise Against's album, which I bought for Jonathan but burned to the computer first, and it's totally awesome!
I love the song 'Injection' such a good song!
Anyways, what did I do today?
I had a free period in the morning, so Sophie, Louise and I bussed to Costa. Sophie and I had Hot chocolates with whipped cream, and Louise had tea. :) It was nice, but we were almost late back.
Then I had maths, which was okay, Ivan gave me Pocky, which Natalie had given him, so that was awesome.
I have to admit that I feel sorry for ivan because he knew I was still upset from last night and just spent all lesson in silence looking like I was going to start crying...
Arg, I feel ill...will finish this later.

I Gotta Feeling

Right...so...after seeing James and Jon once I got home...hmm.
On Sunday the 6th I met up with Fia :D
I gave her her GDL autograph and then we got Shake Away, which was yummy.
Then we went and sat down by the side of the river and listened to my ipod, Labyrinth soundtrack and watched the wave and a balloon floating down it. We then decided that a giant starfish lives in the thames (after discussing sea-creature horror films) and that they have rubber duck minons, the balloon belongs to them and they fell in love with a tree...who, was a tree and didn't love them back...being a tree and all.
Then we realised we were sitting on tar, oily stuff which we had thought wasn't sticky but was...and I have black lines on the backs on the knees on my skinnies. Haha.

Anyway, we hung out for ages and I subjected Fia to my music taste for a while...she doesn't like BoysLikeGirls...shame :( or BassHunter... etc lol.
I also saw Sammii and Dizzy in Kingston, who walled down to me from a floor above in the bentall centre and I couldn't work out where it was coming from...so much so that I had begun wondering if it was God suddenly showing himself...with a girl's voice...:/
Anyway, then Sammii told me that she's dating my friend David Pike, which is awesome, 'cause David's rather awesome and has an awesome coat haha.
I also saw Georgia and Tom and i didn't really expect her to have a chat with me as she was with her boyfriend but she stopped me and started chatting ( personally, i think it was just because she wanted to tell me she'd been scouted for a dance group in America while on holiday during the summer). But, anyway, it was nice to see her.
Saw some other people too, but can't remember who exactly.

Then on Tuesday 8th Jonathan and I went to visit Catherine (and Alison as she was there too.)
Also for human petting zoo for Jonathan to meet my friends. He met Leila, Carys and Ivan. He told Leila what a Rainbow party was...which is not what I wanted her to know and seems to like her...as he complimented her on my note while I was away...shame he never compliments me so quickly...and even then it's rarely :(
But, anyway, he also said he thought I should be Orange (Rainbow party colour) for no apparent reason...and then when I asked 'even if it wasn't you?' he said 'No, I don't really get jealous.' Which, actually really worried me...to be honest. Because, one, he can't think much of me if he thinks I'd do that, or just doesn't find me attractive so would rather I was off with someone else. Added to that, if he was condoning that, wtf does he think is okay for him?
So, I can't even ask him because bringing it up would be hard for me...and I don't want to hear that what I just expressed above is true :'( but it's worrying me.

Um...yeah, then that night he went away to kent for three days, and I then went away for the weekend, so only got back on Monday morning.
My mum was at work and I couldn't get hold of her so I ended up at the malden centre...and Jon turned out to be working, which...I didn't really realise :( apprently he noticed me, but, I also left before he got off work...
He thought I might have come to see him, which I hadn't...but, to be honest, I'd be interested to know if he'd even have wanted me to come and see him.
Anyway, then the next day I asked him to meet up, 'cause I wanted to see him, I guess. And it happened to be raining a lot so he told me to come over to his.
I look kind of drowned when i got there, tbh, and ended up being made to wearhis fleece 'cause i was shivering. I got to watch Interview With The Vampire, which was quite good, but not that great. I prefer the book as of the moment.
I subtly asked my mum if I'd be allowed to watch IWTV some time and she said no because I'd find it scary...well, now i just won't tell her I've seen it, but I didn't find it scary, really. Little sad though, I almost cried. Which is something when in front of people, because I can usually stop myself.
Anyway, he made me go home wearing his jumper lol.

Um...so, it's Thursday and I saw him for a little while today, he met me outside school and we walked into kingston, but he was meeting his sisters, so, he went off and I was meeting my mum. Though, I don't think he told his sisters he'd seen me because we saw the three of them and they looked surprised to see me, and he gave me a look I can't quite define...half like 'help me' and...I dunno...I don't know if he was pleased to see me or not to be honest :(
Anyway, I shall see him tomorrow and apparently have to address the one thing that's been on my mind for ages...but how I bring it up, I don't know...*sigh*
I really hope he never reads my blog.

You're All I Need

Since my last update, well, a lot has happened, I suppose.
Had the heroes marathon, which was really good...I had fun. I've decided that, yes, I am addicted to cuddles. >< And, that...the most terrifying thing in the world is sleeping in Imogen's room...with the scary, loud, ticking clock...the echoes...
Eep. I was so scared, all on my own. But, like I would tell him that...ever.
Hope he doesn't ever read that. I also hope he didn't get bored of me in the two days we spent together.

Anyway, then I had results day on the 27th. I don't want to think about it...
But I got my subjects and dropped off the Assassin's Creed walkthrough books for Jonathan.
Um...then I went away for six days. I did very little. I played FFXII mostly.

I'm still low on muse for fanfiction too.

Um...then i came home, and on Wednesday I saw James and Jonathan in Kingston. Not reandomly, we arranged to meet up before James left for univeristy( which happened to be today, btw). Um, yes, I enjoyed myself...Jonathan bought me a book (yay *worship*) and we went round Kingston for a few hours. I accidentally went home with his hoodie and he with my DVDs (yay for hoodies) and we met up on friday to get each back.
That was my first day of sixth form too. So, it was bit weird. But, OMG I want to steal his hoodie...>< haha. He actually asked me if i did what bella does in twilight and slept with his hoodie, which was...weird...I guess. Because, I left it on top of my bag in the hallway once I got home. But, everyone said I should have...but, I personally...find that a little creepy...I guess? Anyway, I always worry he'll think i'm clingy...and in my opinion that is clingy...plus, why sleep with someone's jumper? I don't understand...:/

Anyway, we went to the park and just hung out...I really enjoyed myself that day actually...
I don't know what it is, but, he changes quite easily to me...
Sometimes I feel like I'm being pushed away and he doesn't want me there, and other times he really does seem to enjoy my company. I get so confused *sigh*
Oh well. Either way, I always enjoy his company...
Anyway, I'm off to Wales now, so I'll fill in the rest when i get back on Monday.